Learning Curve to Grieving (The First Respnders' Bong Do-jin Narrative)

Chapter 1: Flames and Fire

We are all familiar to the concept of... Stages of Grief. Stages of grief is where we go through when we face sorrowful scenarios in our lives, usually expressed on lost of love ones by death. But was it really stages? Don't we go back again to being in denial after we became angry? Don't we sometimes still bargain when we already thought we accepted it? Don't we feel depress when the guilt start to visit us after? If these are stages then why it doesn't end at all? It goes over and over till you're done and numb, and you already get used to constant lost you see everyday.

That's my story, my reflection to the world I have stepped and choose to live my life as a firefighter.

I am Bong Do-jin of Taewon Fire Station, and this is how I learned the curve to grieving.

In this job it is a given that we should already know the things we are dealing with. Not only the job itself, like how to save people, how to move fast but surely, but also tell ourselves we are not God to make the results of our work to be perfect.

We lose people in the job, even if the job is to save them. That is given when you went in here, as you walk to literal fires and disasters.

But even though I thought I already knew everything I should before going in, why still I felt like I know nothing?

Still surprised and shocked to the possibilities that could happen on our daily duty, when it started to flash in my eye.

My first big fire rescue, 2012...

There was a big fire on of the village area, here at Taewon. There was a big casualty reported, including the lives of some of my team, my family.

We grieved so long, that I lost counting the days. But even if it is already an extensive amount of time to mourn. It still feels like eternity of sadness that will never be gone.

Guilt always makes us re-visit our past decisions... If we haven't told them to go there would they still be alive?

If we could interchange the situation we will... I would rather took his place, because I cannot stand the fact that I did nothing in order to save them.

Angry to myself... I should've done better.

These things over and over.

But whether you like it or not, you gotta move forward, because a lot of lives is depending on you to be saved.

We don't want more deaths, right?

I have to learn to fully accept it, not just part of the job, but a part of me.

I'm tired of running away,

Time to pack all this up, leave it in the side and move forward.

In denial, as if it never happened.

You move forward, you do your job.

Then the trauma opens, again, because it says... you held it for too long, already.

And guilt comes out, again.

This is the injury that there is no first aid, nor cure for it to be healed.

Unless I choose to do so myself.

But how you even think about recovering, when you still think things could've happen better.

They say, it is part of the job.

They say, it is natural.

They say all those things to make us feel better, and accept that fate.

So we could do better and learn from our mistakes, and save more those in need.

But again, how?

Grief is like flames and fires, it hurts you alive.

But only your tears could kill it down.

But when does this ends?

I know I just started, but I am already tired.

Killing my own flames and fire.