Life After You

Living

"Just a water and a BLT for me please," I hummed as I handed the waitress my menu. "Thank you."

"You're very welcome!" She replied with a smile as she wrote down Phil and I's orders before walking away.

I couldn't help but run my fingers along the hand that Phil had held. Maybe I had lost my mind, but I wanted him to do it again.

I guess I hadn't realized just how touch starved I was until now. My heart ached for the warm embrace Ollie provided.

"Dan?" A familiar voice rung in my ear. "Fancy seeing you here!"

Gracie smiled with a wave, clutching her mushroom shaped purse with her opposite hand.

"Oh hey," I exhaled, suddenly feeling uneasy about being seen out in public with a different man in front of her.

"I don't think we've met," She said, turning to Phil. "Im Gracie, im one of Dan's friends."

My eyes darted to Phil who looked happy to be involved, somehow he kept his cool around her. How could he not even show an ounce of fear that shed find out my lie?

"Well nice to meet you! I think you could say im his friend too," He said with a small smile, glancing over to me promptly.

Gracies face changed suddenly as she looked Phil up and down.

"Right," She hummed, biting her lip slightly. "Well you two have fun!"

As I waved her off I sunk down into my seat, what a terrible feeling this was. Not only did I yearn for the feeling of Phils soft touch, I now felt like I had a standard to uphold for Gracie.

A straw wrapper hit me in the face suddenly, causing my eyes to dart up to Phil sitting across from me.

"Gotcha," He giggled and put the straw down on the table.

I couldn't help but grow a soft smile at his attempt to cheer me up. It was uncanny just how similar to Ollie he was. Blowing straw wrappers at each-other was always fun.

Maybe it would be beneficial to me to lighten up a bit, i was always too busy trying to hold myself to a specific standard that I was too afraid to stray away how life used to be.

But even stars still shine after they die, and Ollie was a permanent super nova in my mind.

The rest of lunch I tried not to think about him for the first time since he passed. Allowing my mind to slip away from the darkness into the sunlight for a bit was definitely refreshing.

Regrettably, I enjoyed every moment of it. It felt incredibly nice to be whole heartedly happy. Nobody had ever made me feel this way before. So carefree and limitless. Almost as if Ollie himself sent this beautiful man to look after me.

"Hey Phil?" I hummed as we walked back towards my place. "I had a really good time with you today."

Phil paused and turned to me, his emerald eyes sparkling against the afternoon sun.

"I could tell," He chirped. "I wasnt going to leave until you enjoyed yourself."

"W-wha? Why?" I asked, gobsmacked at this idea he had of bettering my mood.

He smiled with a shrug, "I dunno. I guess I wanted to see just how bright you'd allow yourself to shine."

I felt my cheeks tinge red. Who did he think he was barging into my life and trying to better me with his happiness.

"You're a good friend Phil," I hummed as I began to walk again.

Phil smiled and shrugged, "Well you're like my only friend, so I try."

"Well," I began, looking up to him. "Did you wanna come inside and hang out for a bit?"

"Are you sure?" He gasped. "I dont want to intrude."

I shook my head before looking up at the sky, "To be honest... No, i'm not really sure."

Phil put a hand on my shoulder as I slowed down to a slower pace. All this trying not to think of Ollie had taken its toll. It was all hitting me now like a tonne of bricks.

"Youre the first person who has ever been in my house since Ollie left," I admitted, my voice shaking slightly.

"All this time I was trying to preserve how things were before he died. The smell, the little messes he left behind," I explained. "But you came along and made it feel okay for me to allow people into my life again."

Phil exhaled with a smile, "Thats a very sweet way of saying you enjoy my company."

I giggled a little, "Well, I guess thats what im trying to say."

As we walked the rest of the way, my mind raced at the thought of someone else in my house. It was admittedly harder than I had hoped to open my doors to someone again. Let alone a stranger.

But Phil was my friend, and he lets my mind open up again. He provided a strange feeling of comfort I haven't had in a year.

I looked back up at him as we walked; I barely knew him and yet he already made more of an effort than my family and so called friends had.

I moved my eyes back up to the sky. White fluffy clouds lay beautifully across the baby blue horizon, just like you had liked them.

My heart aches for you. Missing you was the hardest thing I ever had to endure.

One year since your passing was coming up on me quickly, and the promise I made myself creeped into my back of my mind as I walked with Phil today.

If life without you doesn't get any easier after a year, its never going to.

It hurt to know that my promise to end my own life in order to preserve yours was always an option.

I almost hated Phil for making me second guess my decision. I hadn't noticed before but even after you died, life still moves on despite me not thinking so.

There was still laughter, fluffy clouds, and people who make you happy.

"Dan?" Phil hummed, waving me out of my own thoughts. "Are you gonna open the door?"

I nodded before taking one last deep breath of fresh air.

Its okay to change your mind sometimes.

And for now I think I would like to live a  little longer.