Tanner and Esme

Chapter 13 (Tanner): The One I Wanted

"Are you parents going to be mad about this?" Esme asked for the third time as I drove us to City Hall. We had an eleven a.m. appointment to be married.

"They'll be fine, Ez," I reassured her for the third time. Her insecurity had made her fidgety and I lightly pressed my hand over hers, trying to calm her. "It'll be OK, I promise. If we don't do it this way, I guarantee my mother will plan a wedding for a thousand people."

"What? I can't -- a thousand people? I couldn't do that, Tanner. Just the thought of that freaks me out and makes me feel sick. I mean, sicker than I already feel, which is saying something.

"Her little hand turned in mine and I squeezed it. "I know, Ez. I'm not really into the whole big wedding thing and didn't think you would be either. That's why we're doing it this way." 

I had the idle thought that Mindy would have wanted the biggest, showiest wedding my parents could afford.

"But I don't want to make your mom mad if that's what she wanted for you. You're the first one to get married."

"Probably the only one," I said truthfully.

Trent's long-term girlfriend had cheated on him two years ago with his best friend and, after assuring her their ten-year relationship was over, he'd thrown himself into working at the company, putting in fourteen hour days and going in every weekend. Trent hadn't dated ever since. He'd talked to me once about what had happened with Lainey, and it was only because he was drunk that he was willing to discuss it. We'd both been sitting up, the lights from the Christmas tree on, and Trent had explained that he felt like every dream he'd had of the future, every plan they'd made for a life together, had died.

I could relate in a way. My life had suddenly taken a hard right turn.

"I don't want your parents to hate me," Esme fretted. "They don't even know me and you said they offered to pay for my health insurance and a place to live when you told them I was pregnant."

"They won't hate you. They'll understand why we did it this way." I squeezed her hand again and looked over at her, giving her a smile. "No one could hate you, Esme."

Well, except Mindy. She was still sending me texts since I wouldn't accept her calls. Her texts alternated between I hate you and we can still work this out, but she was wrong. Even if I still loved her, I was married now. I had kissed my bride and it wasn't Mindy.

I'd taken four weeks off of work to help after Liora was born, a move that had been Esme approved. My mom had discussed my suggestion with my wife, and she'd agreed so I could have time with our daughter. I came over in the mornings, and while Esme rested, I cared for Liora. I left in the afternoons to pick up Jude from preschool and then would bring him back to my parents' house. After dinner, I'd play with Jude and watch Liora, then I'd put my boy to bed, have Liora for a couple of hours and go home to the emptiest house in the world. Esme would have the night shift, with my mom for back up if needed.

Surprisingly, Jude had adapted to the new living arrangements with not a lot of questions. Esme told me she had explained that mommy and daddy were going to have different houses, and until the houses were ready, they'd be living with Gee and Grand.

It seemed I was the only one having trouble coming to terms with our new living arrangements and way of life. I hated how things were and missed what I'd so thoughtlessly turned my back on. And it was only going to get worse because exactly one month to the day after Liora was born, Esme and I were due in court for our divorce to be finalized.

As I'd agreed, we'd kept our interactions focused on Jude or Liora during that month leading up to the divorce, but it killed me. I wanted to talk with Esme, to beg, to plead with her to give me another chance, but my mother had warned me not to cross that line.

"You need to keep your word, Tanner. I understand your need to fix things, but this time, you can't, and I'm sorry for that."

The night before we were to appear in court, Esme came into the living room where I'd been holding Liora while she went in to kiss Jude goodnight. I'd already gotten him ready for bed and read to him while Ez had fed Liora.

"That boy is out," she said quietly. "So if you need to get home, I can take Liora now."

I had nothing to get home to but our silent house. We'd put it on the market and had some interest but no offers yet, and every time I walked through the doors, I felt that quietness surround me. All the life had drained out of it when Esme and Jude left, leaving just a shell.

"Esme, do you really want this divorce?" I hadn't meant to blurt that out, but the clock was ticking. My wife would no longer be my wife in less than twenty-four hours.

She came and sat by me on the couch.

"I think the bigger question is why are you asking me that?"

"I don't want a divorce, Esme. I do not want this. I feel like a death row inmate the night before his execution."

That little hand of hers pressed my knee briefly. Keep your hand there. Don't take away your touch from me.

"Tanner, tomorrow you're going to be free and I'm going to be free for the first time in four years. You weren't happy with me, and even though you tried really hard to be a good husband, I felt that wall between us. You were in love with someone else the whole time, only I didn't know it."

"Esme, no. Please."

Please what, asshole? Please forgive me? Please try again? Please don't go through with this?

"Tanner, our divorce is a good thing. You're free to be with whoever you want now. And I'm free, too. I'm free to find someone to love me, commit to me and build a good, strong relationship with. One that's built on love and desire and respect, not duty, not because he thinks he needs to do the right thing."

What the fuck? She was thinking about dating already? No!

"Don't get me wrong, Tanner. I appreciate that you tried to do the right thing. I really do. I was young, I was scared, I had no resources and I was sick. Most of all, I was alone. And then you offered a way to help me and I accepted. I regret that I wasn't strong enough to say no at the time. I'm sorry I didn't ask more questions. Most of all, I'm sorry I wasn't open about how I felt."

"What do you mean? How did you feel?" Was there hope?

Esme shook her head, her smile sad. "It doesn't matter now. I've been doing a lot of thinking since that night I caught you in your office with her. About our whole situation, about our marriage and I realized that even though we didn't work out, it's not a total loss. Obviously, we have our children, but you and I both learned a lot over the last four years that we can use to make our next relationships better. I know I'm never going to settle for the safe option again, and I'm going to make sure I communicate honestly with the next man I'm with and make sure we love each other wholly and completely. I just want to be loved, Tanner, and I'm looking forward to finding out what that feels like."

She pointed at Liora. "She's out. I'll put her down so you can head home. I'll see you tomorrow."

Plucking Liora from my unresisting arms, she walked away from me while I sat, stunned.

What had I done?

The obvious answer was I'd fucked up my life. But I'd known for a while that was only half the answer, the easy part of it, the one that was readily obvious. I'd cheated on my wife and fucked up my life. I'd realized that the night I'd met Mindy in my office. The fog of excitement, of the forbidden, of the past I'd glorified had cleared, and I'd known what a stupid, stupid thing I'd done.

But the second half of the answer, the one that had been eluding me, the one I'd never faced, was that I'd betrayed the woman I loved for a meaningless shadow from my past.

Now, on the eve of our divorce, I'd finally pulled my head out of my ass and realized that the life I'd been leading for the last four years, not the one I'd given up, was the one I desperately wanted.