Forest

Bonus Chapter Three

                      Chapter Eighteen- Atlas

"Hi." I hear from behind me. I know immediately who it is, because how could I not? That's the very voice I hear in my head, in my dreams, and during the best parts of my days. I ignore it, because it's the best thing to do right now. I'm not in a good headspace, and if I look at him right now, I don't know what will happen. I might break down, I might get angry. I know I'll say something horrible to him that he doesn't deserve, and that's the last thing I want to do. But I can't stop my body from locking up, freezing all of my movements. Right before my skateboard slips out from under me, I catch myself and land with both feet on the ground. I use my foot to flip my skateboard up and catch it in my hand. Before I can stop myself, I turn around. Just one look, I tell myself.

"What are you doing here, Forest?" I try to keep my voice flat and bored, hiding everything I'm really thinking. The one thing I want to do right now is run up to him and wrap my entire body around him. I know that if I do that, it'll heal me. But some sick part of me feels like I deserve to suffer, and an even sicker part of me enjoys it. I watch Forest's face contort into a look of pain, his eyes flashing with worry. He's always worrying about me, and I hate it. I love that he cares, but I hate to worry him.

"Who did that to you?" He says, hopping down into the rink and walking towards me. Every fiber of my being buzzes with energy, and comes alive with the close proximity. It's like my body knows when he's near, and craves his touch. He attempts to touch my face when he's close enough, but I stop him. His cheeks heat, and goddamn, if it's not the cutest thing I've ever seen. I feel horrible for rejecting him like that, he's been through so much lately, but that's the problem. I've been putting too much stress and all my problems on him, and it would be better if he just never knew me at all.

"Go home." I tell him, making my voice harder than it needs to be. He thinks he would be hurt if I broke this off, but he wouldn't. In the end, it would be the best thing for him. If I just disappear for a while, he'll forget about me and everything would get better for him.

"No. Not until you tell me what's going on." His voice becomes firmer, and pride radiates through me. He's always fighting for what he wants, and I've never been prouder. But I need him to understand that this is what needs to happen. "Not until I know you're okay." He's too selfless for his own good. He shouldn't be worried about me like this, not when I've ruined his life. He doesn't think about it that way, because he's too kind to realize it.

"I've been at the hospital all week and my phones been dead, I just came here to let out some steam." I lie to him, because I don't want him to know that I've been at parties starting fights, here skating, and at home only when I need to shower or eat. I don't even know where my phone is at this point. I'm a fuck up, and I know it, but I don't want him to think of me that way. Even if he should.

"Don't play that game with me, I know you weren't at the hospital." He says, and I can hear his voice wavering, like he wants to yell. I can see he's getting angry, but he doesn't want to let it out. What he doesn't know, is that I'm unstable right now, and my favorite thing to do is make people angry with me. I want them to hate me, because then they won't hurt me first.

"You went to the fucking hospital?" My eyes snap to him, and my voice raises. I'm angry and I don't know why. I have no right to be, and I hate myself for yelling at him. More than I've ever hated myself before.

"Yes, I did. I was worried about you. You can't just disappear off the face of the earth when something bad happens and expect me to shrug it off." I hate that he's calm right now. I hate the way I'm reacting towards him, especially when he's done nothing wrong. What I hate even more, is that he's right. And he's just worried about me, and here I am getting angry at him over nothing. "I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't go about my day not knowing if you were safe. So, yes, I went to the hospital. Sue me!" He's no longer calm, and he looks like he's about to cry. Self hatred burns through me, I'm making it worse. I thought by pushing him away I'd make everything better for him, but I'm fucking it up just like I always do.