Too Many Colors To Count [1ST DRAFT]

↳ laugh at me

everyone laughs,
and the smile on my face is not one of
confidence, or lightheartedness,
but relief.

they may never care.
they may never know me.
they may never talk to me at all.
but at least they laughed,
and that is enough.

every joke is a screen door to my loneliness
and every grin stretched across my teeth comes from
years of practice smiling away the jeering laughter
that meant I didn't have to take anything they told me seriously.
and I laughed, too, so that no one could see
that their laughter cut deep into my flesh,
eyes like bullets and mouths like knives all
oblivious to the pain they inflict with just a simple sound.

so you laughed with them, or else you'd be the victim
and no one would remember you,
the class clown,
the crazy one, off her rocker, who whispers
jokes so that their laughter is in her hands
and never theirs.

now that I am older
if they don't laugh
I am nothing.

nothing at all.