absquatulate || hyunlix

chapt. 15

jeongin pov.

date: may 03, 2022

time: 21:23 pm

felix had left nearly 30 minutes ago.

and nearly 30 minutes ago, the happy smile on hyunjin's face was replaced with a half-assed one.

"you and stop acting you know." he stated as he took a seat next to the long haired male.

"what act?" hyunjin scoffed.

"stop putting on that fake ass smile hyunjin." he could visably see the shock in his hyung's face. not because he cursed, but because he cursed at him.

"... y'know, i hate how you can read me so easily." upon him saying that he dropped the act.

yeah well seems like i'm not the only one.

"i hate it too."

"mmm" was all the other could let out. "why?"

"because then i know all of your thoughts."

"why is knowing all of my thoughts bad?"

"because most of the time they're negative." the younger bluntly said. "and it's even worse that they're your thoughts."

he thought back to all the times he could read him.

there was a time where he saw that hyunjin's hand was shaking while he was sketching something. that was when he found out that hyunjin was diagnosed with arthritis.

there was another time where they were out for lunch, usually they would both get what they both wanted. however, that time they only got what jeongin wanted. that was when he found out that hyunjin had lost nearly 28lbs. it had only been 3 months since he was diagnosed with ild.

then there was one time where he could tell that he was tired. both mentally and physically. he could tell then that all he wanted was for everything to stop. he could tell then that he wanted people to stop visiting him, he wanted to stop going to his doctor appointments, he wanted the pain to stop. he wanted his heart to stop too.

but.

those where only his thoughts. it was scary how much your mind could take over.

his heart stayed silent. but up until recently his heart started to slowly take over.

"because i know that you're in pain and you don't want to talk about it, you don't want help either."

"that's not true."

"yes it is hyung." he glanced at hyunjin for a moment only to see a guilty look on the other's face.

"but..." he started. "recently its been more positive."

"tch, really?"

"yeah."

they sat in silence for a few moments. hyunjin sitting on one side of the couch sitting in guilt. jeongin sat on the other side thinking if it would be wrong to be selfish at this moment.

"can i be selfish hyung?"

"...define selfish."

"something for my own benefit."

"sure."

"please stay friends with him." he told him rather than asking.

"with who, felix?"

"yeah."

"i was planning to."

"good." he said looking up at him from across the couch only to be met to a guilty look.

seeing the look on his friend's face he moved over to where the other was. upon doing so he wrapped an arm over the other's shoulders. doing so, hyunjin laid his head on jeongin's shoulder.

they sat there for 5 minutes. then 10. within those minutes that passed it stayed dead silent. but then he started to hear sniffles.

"i didn't mean to drag him in, i promise." the brittle voice next to him said to the best of it's ability.

"i know hyung."

"i don't know why i had to meet him."

"i know hyung."

"i didn't want to see him again."

"i know hyung."

the 'i didn'ts' kept on going.

"i didn't want him to be special." "i didn't want to want his presence." "i didn't want to look at him as if he was my world." all to which jeongin could only reply with the same three words.

"i know hyung."

"i didn't want to fall in love."

"...i know hyung."

it went on for what feels like hours on end until jeongin finally said something else.

"i'm glad that you met him though."

"of course you are." the other said tiredly. "you don't have to deal with me as much."

"no." he replied back. "because you get to experience things with him before you leave."

"what do-"

"love hyung." he answered him before hyunjin could even finish. "not family love like it is with auntie and uncle."

"not affectionate love like how you are with me." he continued. "just love."

silence was his reply. the man on his shoulder had fallen asleep. but he still went on.

"you get to love someone." he said resting his head on the other's. "i'm glad that i could be loved by you."

"i'm glad that i could be someone you could come to for comfort."

"i'm glad that i could make memories with you." as he went on his voice became a trembling whisper.

"i am glad that i got to met you." and then he couldn't hold back his tears any longer. so they started to fall.

"but god i wish you didn't drag me into your life either." and all he could do was hug his friend as tight as he could, for just a little while. he held his friend, his brother for just a little while longer.

unbeknownst to him however, hyunjin was awake. and hearing his best friend cry made him realized that hearing his loved ones cry over him caused him more pain than any disease could made him want to leave right there and then.

oh how he wish he could. if he wasn't so much of a coward, he could.

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word count: 939