Tequila & Birdcages

My sunshine |e.s|

CW: depression/low mood

Ellie and I have been dating for over a year now. It wasn't hard for her to crack me open like a book. I was like putty in her hands when it came to that. Allowing her to see all of me, knowing she'd find out herself one way or another. She's always been understanding and patient with me. I make sure to tell her all the time how much I appreciate it.

Today though, for some odd reason, I just don't feel so good. My mood suddenly dropped and it felt like I was caving in on myself. I feel displaced, even in the comfort of our shared home. Laying in our bed feels strange, like I'm an intruder in my own house. So I grabbed my favorite cover and headed over to one of the guests room.

It's the one that's used the least often, maybe the lack of residual energy helps. I curl into a ball and face the door, not being able to turn my back on it. I scroll on my phone, trying to find some sort of distraction, when I hear a distant sound. I don't focus too much on it, not wanting to give myself anxiety.

"Sweetie?" for some reason the sound of her voice brought tears to my eyes. You can't help but disappoint her, can you? How many times are you going to do this? I don't reply as I fight back tears, I don't want to be in such a bad state when she finds me. "Sweetie" she calls a little louder and I open my mouth, not wanting her to worry, but I can't force anything out.

Any semblance of a coherent word is strangled in my throat, blocked by the rising flood wanting to break free. "Baby..." I hear and my eyes focus once again to see her standing in the doorway. "What are you doing in here, love?" she asks softly and I just shrug, I don't really have the answer myself.

She comes to sit next to my tense form, resting a soft hand on my shoulder. Usually her touch would relax all my muscles, instantly turning me to jelly, but not now. Now it just feels like an obligation, something she feels like she has to do. I know that's not true... at least I think it's not, but I'm not sure what to believe.

"Can you tell me what happened?" she mutters and I turn away from her as tears fill my eyes again. "Honey..." she sighs sadly, "please go" I whisper shakily. "Are you sure you want that? I don't think you do" she states, "please" I beg of her. "Please what?" she reinforces, "leave" I repeat. "If you can give me three valid reasons why, then I will" she counters and I sigh.

A few tears fall down my cheek, the cold air hitting the trail running over the bridge of my nose. "Because I want you to" I mumble, "and the second?" she continues. "Ellie..." "the second reason, y/n" she echos firmly, "because I want to be alone" I restate. "Bullshit. Third reason" she prompts, "you can't tell me my reasons are 'bullshit', that's not fair" I exclaim.

"Try telling me the truth and I won't say that" she counters, "I don't fucking know why, Ellie" I yell with a sob escaping my throat right after. I feel her crawl behind me and wrap her arms around my waist. "Why can't I just be normal?" I cry as I curl up further and her grip tightens on me. "Baby, there is nothing wrong with you, ok? It's alright to feel overwhelmed sometimes, it's normal" she assures me.

"But you're fine... you have your moments like everyone else but, in general, you're ok. Why can't I just be like you?" I cry, "you're perfect just the way you are, darling" she whispers as kisses my shoulder. "Of course y-you would say that... it's what you're supposed to say" I argue, "no... I'm supposed to tell you the truth, because I love you. Have I ever lied to you, y/n?" she asks.

"Have I?" she repeats after I don't respond, "n-no..." I stutter. "Exactly. I never have and I never will. I love you more than life itself, my love. I think you're perfect and I'm smart, right?" she asks. This is something she does often and I giggle as I know what's coming. "Right or wrong?" she repeats and I can hear the smile on her face. I turn to face her and sniffle, "right" I sigh and she wipers my tears.

"Right. So I think... I make pretty good decisions. Loving you and being with you, has been my best to date. I don't regret a single second we spend together. I don't want you to 'be like me' because you're you. The person I so helplessly fell in love with and that makes you special. Sweetheart, feelings are not a bad thing. I love that you feel so deeply. My only qualm is that it hurts you so" she pouts.

"It doesn't hurt so much when you're here beside me" I point out and she smiles softly which leads to me returning it. "Well, I'm glad to hear that. I hope I always make you feel like that" she expresses, a shy smile on her lips. That pretty shade of pink flowing across her cheeks. "I know you always will... you're my sunshine" I mumble before pressing my lips against hers softly.