Dance Til You Bleed (MxM)

number thirty-six

Ariel Jiménez

I'm exhausted.

I'm exhausted but terrified to be alone. Terrified that I'll prove my father right and end up back in that house where it seems every move I make is under watch.

I'll just deal with it. I have to.

I can't break up with him before my family meets him. That'll just prove my father absolutely correct.

I can't... I can't let him be right.

He's not one to boast when it comes to being right about these things. But he is one to keep you practically locked away after being right about these things.

I can't even imagine what Dad would do if he found out about this. The hitting, the bruising, the distress. I think he might just kill Alex.

I thought about this while a random show played on the TV. I lay on the couch with my head propped up on the armrest and just stared at the ceiling.

I thought about yesterday. How comfortable and safe I felt. How unwillingly vulnerable I felt but still, Nathaniel made me feel comfortable. Has Alex ever made me feel that comfortable? As soon as we started dating everything started to fall apart.

Blaise and Dad were right.

"Did you just buy this?"

I turned my head to see Alex holding up Nathaniel's crew neck.

"No. It's my friend's."

"Your friend's?"

"Yeah."

"What friend?"

"Does it matter?"

He stared at me for a moment before looking at the crew neck and bunching it up in his hands.

"Why the fuck are you washing his clothes?"

His voice was low but it held so much animosity that my body tensed slightly.

"It's not clothes. It's just a shirt."

"Fine. Why the fuck are you washing his shirt?"

"Alex, come on. Don't do this to me today."

"You know, what's really getting me is you not answering me. What's crazy is you're not denying they're a guy."

I covered my eyes before exhaling loudly.

"I got makeup on his shirt, okay? And why would I deny that he's a guy? What good would that fucking do me? Maledetto inferno."

Alex's eye twitched and he moved to hold the shirt bunched up in one hand.

"How the fuck did you get makeup on it? What the hell were you guys doing?"

I'm not in the mood for a fight. I was so overwhelmed yesterday that I just wanted to lay around and exist. I told the group I didn't feel like hanging out today at Quinn's because I was tired. They were all spending a few nights at her house and then everyone would go together to the dance academy. I didn't even tell them about what happened yesterday.

I didn't tell them about me crying. I didn't tell them about me crying in Nathaniel's arms. I didn't tell them about me staining his shirt and him not being upset with me. I didn't tell them about how he took off all my makeup so gently like I was made of porcelain. I didn't tell them how he seemed so careful with me. I didn't tell them how he said all the right things.

I didn't tell them anything.

I have yet to tell them about this. I was going to tell them about how Alex didn't speak to me all day yesterday because I was going out and he couldn't go.