Behind Closed Doors

43

Me and Fernanda walked up to college together, mostly in silence. Ever since she found out about me and her brother, there's been this unresolved tension between the two of us. She clears her throat and crosses her arms over her chest, looking back at me for a second. "Do you wanna skip today?" She asked, pointing her head in the direction of the park that's a few blocks away from her flat. "We can sit here for the day, I doubt neither of our parents would care."

"Sure." I murmured, and she hesitantly smiled at me before taking my hand and leading me to the opposite side of the road and through the gate. Fernanda giggles a little before she drops her backpack onto the ground and sits on the swing, calling me over.

"Nanda." I sighed, and she suddenly stopped, tilting her head at me. I pressed my lips together, shoving my hands into the pockets of my coat. "I think... I'm gonna apply to University away from here." I told her, and her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Her mouth parts slightly.

"What do you mean?"

"I wanna have a future, Nanda, and that's ain't gonna happen here." I exclaim, shrugging my shoulders. "I need to... make something of my life, ya know? Just because Tom's the oldest doesn't mean he's the only one that can make summat of his life, right? I'm gonna try, at least." I added, and she gulps, slowly standing up and wrapping her arms around her body.

"This has nothing to do with Antony, does it?" She asked, and I swallowed the lump in my throat, my eyes flickering all over her face. She shares so much of the same features as her brother, and it scares me. When I look at her, I see him. It makes me wonder how much longer I can stand looking at her and wishing it was her brother who was with me.

"No." I replied, even though it was most likely a lie. "I'm doing this for myself, Fernanda. I've rarely ever done things for myself, lately, and I have to start putting myself first. Tom made me realise that." I say, and Fernanda chuckles lightly, shaking her head.

"Tom. Of course he did."

"He's right." I shrugged my shoulders. "I need to focus on myself, now." I tell her, and she chews on her bottom lip, nodding her head slightly. "I mean... I've been feeling really shitty recently, so I need, like, some kind of control over my life."

"So..." She gulps. "You and Antony are fully over?" She asked, tilting her head to the side.

"We were never a thing." I swallowed the lump in my throat, sniffling a little. "It wasn't anything, so we shouldn't make it anything." I told her, my voice clipped. Fernanda blinks at me, frowning slightly.

"I thought that..." She begins, but I raise an eyebrow at her. She pouts her lips and shakes her head, brushing her thought away. "You shouldn't give up on each other that easily. I told you that Antony was getting married so that you could talk some sense into him and make him stop it. Look, I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship, but given your reaction the other day, I'm assuming that you care a lot about him."

"I don't." I shrugged my shoulders, making my way to the swing and sitting on it, beginning to swing. "He made sure I didn't feel anything for him when we last spoke." I said, resting my temple on the rope of the swing. "I'm not bothered anymore." I lied, even though deep inside, I was more than bothered.

My heart aches for Antony. Every second of every day without him brings me more misery. Forcing myself to forget him and act fine and pretend that he meant nothing to me, when in fact, I couldn't care more about him if I tried. It's painful to live my life and act as if my heart isn't slowly breaking into a million tiny pieces, but everyday, his words run through my mind and it kills me. It kills me to remember the lack of emotion in his words, the lack of conviction. It kills me to replay the way he dismissed like I was nothing, like I meant nothing to him.

Maybe I don't.