Flicker - Park Jongseong (En- Jay)

Chapter 15 - I'm A Bitch, I Know

The next day Jay had dragged Yeseul back to the dance studio in the morning, only after having packed them a lunch and took more things to study, hoping that it was going to go as well as it had the previous day, or even better. Yeseul had managed to surpass herself the previous day following the practice they had had, really, Jay was amazed by her. Not that his standards were high, but, still.

The method was working. The more she took her physical anger out through dancing, the more she could concentrate on her work. Her mind solely focused on the questions, on the work and revisions for her Suneung. Maybe she wasn't a desperate case and she would be able to pass the exam! Maybe not with flying colours, but not ridiculously dreadful either.

The cycle was repeating itself and the time Yeseul could concentrate on studying was greater and greater following each of her dancing sessions. Jay was proud of her and himself for finding the solution. It didn't mean that she wasn't bitchy more often than he wanted her to be.

It was the third day of working like that that they decided to take an early break and eat lunch in the practice room.

So they sat on the ground, a makeshift table made out of a cardboard box from somewhere in the corner of the room.

"I know I have things to get over." Yeseul said as they ate their lunch. Jay had made some sort of Japanese curry and Yeseul was not one to be picky about food. "We've been working on that. So I need to pay you back." Jay looked up, ready to deny her, but she shot him a stern look, one he wasn't used to facing from her. "I'm a bitch, I know. And you're fucking too kind. And a dick too. But I still need to be a somewhat decent person and pay you back." She finished her bowl, cleaned up her chopsticks and looked at him, sitting still on the other side of the box they had as a table.

The teenage girl thought that she was dumb, but were her words really that complicated? Or was he currently dumber than her?

"Open up your bag then." She ushered the elder, motioning with her hands something that he seemed to not understand. He looked at his backpack at the side of the room, mouth still full with his lunch. Yeseul really wanted to smack him up on his head. "What shit do you need to talk about? Cause I don't care much for you, but I know there must be things that you won't tell your members."

"You want me to unpack my bag to you?" He asked, making sure he understood her right.

"Yeah."

"Yeah, no."

"Why not?" Yeseul leaned back, pocking the straw through the top of the chocolate milk Jay had packed as a dessert.

"I don't trust you. That's it."

Yeseul stayed silent for a little bit, leaning back on her arms but watching Jay as he finished eating his meal. She cocked her head to the side, going over his words. "Understandable. I don't trust myself either." He groaned. Could Yeseul ever be someone easy to talk to? Not really. She was either very angry and would not integrate anything aid to her, or she was this sort of cool kid with no filter. "I may be an idiot but I am not stupid. I know how unreliable I am, I wouldn't rely on myself to be truthful, or on time, or nice, or anything. I don't even understand myself as it is. I understand if you wouldn't want to open up. The only thing I can tell you is that I won't repeat your stuff to others. That, at least, I know I can follow. For, if I am to be trusted, I don't tattle. Things stay with me and fuck me over more."

"I can see that."

She glared at him as he picked up his chocolate milk and dug in, enjoying the sweetness of the drink as a dessert. It was a nicer taste to keep for a few hours than the curry, even though it was very good. Neither wanted to taste the curry at half past three while they revised for Yeseul's Suneung.

"I'm not the best person to open up to either. I know I can't do much about you, but still I will try to find a way. I think you should go see a therapist."

"How's that gonna help?"

"I don't know, never went to one."

"You should too, you can't even open your bag to me."

"Whatever, they are there to listen to you and orient you towards what you want to do. Like they only talk with you."

"Then why don't you go there too? Because I can see that there are a lot of worries in you that need to find an exit or just a way to morph into something better."

"I'm scared." Jay admitted, not expecting himself to actually open up to the girl. Finishing his drink he laid down on the ground and looked at the ceiling, quickly regretting it and closing his eyes from the bright lights. His insides were in turmoil. Unsure whether to go on one side or the other. His brain the same. He was scared, unsure, unused to being in this position. It was always yes or no. Not maybe. "I'm scared to open up. To discover things I didn't know about myself. To doubt things really."

It was silent as the two teenagers leaned back on the practice room's floor and closed their eyes. Going over what they had said. Mulling over the words.

"I thought I was doing good by becoming an idol, my dream really." He said out of the blue. "Yet I started having second thoughts when it came to me being a year late, and having classes with people a year younger than me. It made me feel like an idiot at the strat of the year. And then some were, and are, better than me at school work. Even though it's a school for the entertainment industry. I'm already in it, I don't need to be good on paper, I am doing things already. I sing and dance, and get better everyday. I help the younger ones, I help at home. Yet sometimes it feels like I am not doing enough. I think we all feel a bit of that from time to time between us boys at the dorm." They didn't move. Yeseul only hummed to tell him to continue. Both quietly laid down once again. "Sometimes we-"

"You." She cut him off. "We're talking about you, not the boys."

"Sometimes I get in this hole, it feels like a hole." He tried explaining. "And I can oly go further and feel bad about myself. Like I am only a comical scapegoat for the band, that sometimes I don't have any great qualities for the group. I'm a good cook. Then I just feel this at the bottom of my stomach, dragging me down around where I go." He sighed, taking in a deep breath. "It's heavy, it hurts." I can't even remember how I detached myself from that weight before, so I don't know how to separate myself from it again."

"You should be a poet."

"Thanks.

They didn't do much talking that afternoon as they worked on revising. It wasn't as good as the previous days, but it was calmer. More mellow and overall a better atmosphere. Jay felt lighter having opened up a bit to Yeseul and not as annoyed by her quick responses either. Not that he was happy that they made nearly no progress that afternoon, and the days were counted. It was already November, and in less than a week Yeseul would be seated amongst thousands of students for eight hours trying to apply to a college. She didn't even know what she wanted to do after high school.

As they packed up late that evening, ready to go back to the dorm to eat dinner then sleep, Yeseul turned to face Jay, a small smile on her lips. It looked unusual but not bad on her.

"We can go together if you want. Once this is all over."

It took him a minute to understand what she was referring to, and then she was out of the door, running to catch up to her father that she had just seen pass in the corridor outside of the room.