Fearing Ruin

Chapter 1

Chapter 1

It is my first day at college; my freshman year at Sacred Heart University in Fairfield, Connecticut. I had moved in with the help of my Mom over the course of this weekend, in which it was very difficult to overcome the realization that I will be staying in this weird new place for a while. It was even hard to see my Mom leave me here alone. Overall, this experience sucks. I hate new things like this and the sad thing is that I was very excited and hyped for the experience over the summer. But now, expectations have been dropped.

I would be lying if I said it wasn't hard getting to where I am now. Barriers and blockades continuously pulled my journey to a halt. The first one was watching my diabetic father suffering a heart attack in front of me. He passed out face first in front of my mother in our tiny bathroom and I was only called to attention by her desperate shouting of his name. I had rushed down the stairs and attempted to help pull him out, but all attempts were futile. He died right there. I suppose I wasn't strong enough like he was. Granted he was a big guy, maybe I shouldn't blame myself, but nope, I continue to carry that guilt even now, 2 years later. Nothing is the same anymore. I feel like I lack the motivation to even get through college when I just got here. The only thing that stops me from thinking like that is how hard it was for Mom to pull strings and get me into this competitive and accelerated program for Occupational Therapy. She practically reminded me every day this summer about how I only have one shot and I can't fail. That kinda ruined the vibe for me in my arrival here.

I sigh as I lean back in my chair. I'm in my temporary home; my dorm, and to be honest it really is quiet and sad. The blank white walls surrounding me make it hard for me to feel comfortable and remind me how lonely I am. Not that I'm not used to it, I am better off alone because I don't get along with people as much, especially females. But maybe a roommate would have helped me get used to other people besides my overbearing mother. I love my Mom dearly, but she has been too much ever since the death of my father. It's like she's not herself but she is at the same time. It's so confusing and unpredictable but I always brush it off because I figure she is still grieving and it's normal, after all she is all by herself.

I then hear my ringtone going off. Speak of the devil.

" Good morning Kate, how have you been since moving in? Are you ready for your first day?" My mom sweetly beamed over the phone. I really hate that tone in her voice sometimes.

" Hi Mom," I really don't feel like talking to her right now, she can be so fake sometimes and it shows. But I'm gonna just go with it. " I'm good, excited for my anatomy class later today!" That's half true, I know it's going to be a pain in my ass but I know I am going to learn something that is important for my program.

" That's good sweetie, I'm happy for you and I hope you meet some good people! I have a feeling it would help you alot." I chuckle.

" Yes mom, I hope so too, I want to get this year off on a good start. No negativity this time!" I have a habit of being very pessimistic. After Dad died I just started expecting the worst in every situation. I had promised her I would try my best to keep a good mindset, until of course something bad actually happens.

In the background of the phone I hear barking which draws my attention. I smile knowing exactly who can hear my voice.

" Someone misses you sweetheart!" Mom chuckles over the phone, the barking intensifies. " Ooh I think they both miss you!"

" Can you put them on the phone please, and switch to facetime!" She responds with a yes and soon I can see my two favorite things in the world yapping over the phone. My little hotdog and king charles cavalier. " Oh my God! Hi guys!" My eyes start to water as I reminisce of holding them tightly before I left for school. They were the ones who helped me survive all the tough times. Peanut is a brown mini dachshund with such personality and Toby is a medium sized light brown fluff ball of happiness. They are the sweetest things and probably the only comfort I gain anymore.