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15 - Maybe you should learn to love her the way you wanna be loved (Gold Rush)

Dear Jackie,

I'm writing this letter to you because they won't let me in to see you, since I'm just your aunt and not "immediate family" or whatever. I want you to know that I'm in the waiting room of the ICU and I will stay for as long as you need me to.

I want you to think back to that one afternoon when you were five years old. It was the beginning of summer, flowers were staring to bloom and the sun was warming the world through an incredibly gentle hug. You were wearing your favorite blue dress with the butterflies, the one you refused to let your momma wash because you insisted on wearing it every day. I took you out for ice cream to your favorite parlor, and we sat on the edge of the river that flows through the woods next to your house. More than anything, you wanted to take off your shoes and let your feet dangle in the water. I told you it would be ice-cold, but you had to see for yourself. You were always stubborn like that, in a subtle way. Of course the water was freezing and you begged me to walk around with you so your feet would warm up again. As I got up from my seat under a big acorn tree, the sun started to fade and the world looked a hundred shades darker. By the time we had walked maybe half a mile, a light rain fell upon our heads. Just as I was contemplating going back inside, the sun broke through the clouds and made your little face shine with smiles. You grabbed my hand in delight and started dragging me towards a nearby meadow. I twirled you around and around, until you hiccuped with laughter. When we finally came to a halt, you raised your head to look up at the sky and pointed your finger in amazement.

"It's a rainbow," I told you. You wanted to know where it came from, and I tried to explain it to you as best as I could, telling you how something as oppositional as the sun rays and the raindrops worked together to create a picture of colorful beauty.

"What's at the end of it?" Your curious eyes were searching my face for an answer that I couldn't give. You were so full of life back then, and sometimes it seems hard to believe that it was only ten years ago.

I know life couldn't have been easy for you these past few months. I know you must have struggled a lot, and all of us failed to realize this. We should have seen the signs and we didn't, which makes it entirely our fault. I know starting high school isn't easy. You can't take all of your friends from middle school with you and you have to go through the painful process of acquainting new classmates, new teachers, new surroundings. When I first asked you how you liked your new school and instead of answering, you avoided my question and changed the topic, I didn't think much of it. I was sure that all you needed was time to find your place, and I didn't worry a single bit about you eventually doing just that. I never noticed how instead of getting better, it got worse. Looking back now, I can't put into words how much I regret not asking you about school more often. I regret not giving you the feeling of being able to trust me, to tell me everything. I guess in that way I was as blind as only a grown-up can be.

Grown-up. Sometimes I hate that word, because it implies losing the ability to laugh at the simple things in life. It signifies that your life as a child has stopped and that you need to take responsibility. But that's not true. Just because you're getting older you should not forget about all the things that you love and cherish. Just because there is a higher number on your birthday cake each year does not mean you should stop asking questions about everything and falling in love with life when you get the answers to them.

You are loved, Jackie. You are loved deeply by so many people and all of us want nothing more than for you to start loving yourself as much as we love you. If there is one thing worth staying alive for, it's the answer to your question all those years ago. I know what's waiting for you at the end of the rainbow. It's life. Life in all its blaring glory, surrounded by surprises and moments so beautiful they take your breath away. Don't miss out on them, little girl.