my life with a sip of imagination

doctor dysphoria.

I want to be a guy.
It's all I can think about now that I am sick at home.
I already think about it a lot But I surely do now.
Here at home I am searching how to look more masculine, how to dress more masculine even though it's not entirely my style.

People say it's a choice to be trans and gay but if I could chose, I would have just be a lesbian.
But unfortunately that's not the reality.

I just want to be a guy. Look like a guy. I don't want people to be confused when they look at me.
I want them to assume that I am a guy.
I have short hair, wear boyclothes,  wear a binder etc buy people still think I am a girl.

My brain is fucked up and I don't get it myself.

So here I am trapped with these thoughts, trying to make some sense out of them.
Watching fanfik on Netflix makes me realize how much I would like to look like the main character. He looks feminine in a masculine way. He looks like a boy without trying a lot.
I wish I could do that.

I don't want to take testosterone.
There are certain things that I don't want like the amount of hair.
But I am sick of people seeing me as something else than a boy.

I just want to drown. Go to the bottom of the ocean where I can't feel anything.
Where no one can see me.

I lay down in the sofa with one dog on each side demanding my attention.
Not that it bothers me. They are really sweet and I love them.
I am watching nature documentaries on TV and drinking some thee.

I wish I could study for school or do something useful but I straight up can't concentrate.

I get texts now and then from my friends who tell me how much they hate our class or that one of them finally brought lunch with them.

The next day I wake up and make myself ready to go to the doctor. I feel fine until I start walking. My head is killing so I will be happy when I am back home.

The doctor is a young man. He is nice. After doing the usual procedure he says I have a stomach flu.
I already expected that so it wasn't much of a surprise. I also tell him that my sleeping is getting worse again. I have insomnia and my medication isn't doing a great job. He doesn't want to give me sleeping medication which I understand.
So he just gives me a higher doses of melatonin.

My insomnia started 3years ago. For some reason I suddenly couldn't sleep anymore.  I slept max 2hours a night.  My mental health was going backwards and I even started hallucinating. 
That's when my doctor decided to give me melatonin. It didn't solve everything but I atleast got 5hours of sleep which is already better but ofcourse not enough.

I am so done with being sick. I feel absolutely useless. But from the moment I try to work for school or something my brain feels like it's on fire.

I hope I will get better soon.