Will We Talk?

55- Busy (Sam)

Sam's POV:

Mam's on her way back home from her trip to Scotland, and I couldn't be happier. She wasn't aware of Evie and I's spat, and I was bricking it telling her; the second she'd texted saying she was almost home, I sat on the settee hunched over myself as my foot mindlessly tapped away at the tick of the clock. The tick of the clock that was like torment to me.

I just want her back. I need her back.

Today wasn't going to be very productive, I could tell. The moment I woke up, my heart felt like it wasn't full. It was one of those mornings I wish I'd wake up with Evelyn in my arms, telling her how gorgeous she is and how much she means to me. It could've been one of our lazy days. It could've been one of our moving shit out of the house days.

My shit was still at her's. I was just using all of the junk I'd left at my mam's after the last time I royally fluffed up in my life. It seemed to be the cycle that I'd move forwards and get over myself, life looking positive, then I'd only go back to old ways. It feels like I only ever go backwards. On repeat. Just rewinding myself. Rewinding myself so that I'm back in the Low Lights and Dean has to drag me home.

The moment I heard that doorknob twist, I was on my feet and going towards the door, knowing the route like muscle memory. I've been in this position far too much in the past- even since a bairn- since before my dad had left. Speaking of dad, I hadn't spoke to him in a while. Maybe I'd ring him later on.

As soon as she walked through the doorframe, I embraced mam as tight as I could. Her arms returned the favour, however I could sense the confusion on her. I could see the image of her eyes flicking around the house and her eyebrows furrowed together. A hesitant hand patted my back, and another started pushing me away.

"Well that's a nice welcome home. What do you want from is? I didn't get you owt, y'kna its still a bit rough." she tutted, one eye brow arched upwards.

"I divnt want owt. I've got somet to tell you though." I welcomed, making my way into the kitchen, "Want a cuppa?"

"Might need one." mam replied back, "Make one for Ronny 'n all Sam ."

"Aye." I mumbled, hands gripping onto the kitchen countertops.

They were shaking. My hands were shaking. An obvious sign that I needed a drink of something stronger than a bit of tea. Something that would sting as I consumed it. Something that would wreck me for days after drinking it. I was hurting myself, but I didn't care, because it made me feel better for a while. It was the most effective cure. It's either that or either get over or get back with Evie, but we all know that's wishful thinking.

After playing ping pong with my thoughts, I poured the scalding liquid into three mugs and proceeded with the process of making a cup of tea. Mine remained on the bench- I'd have it later, or mam can have it later. I walked with the two mugs in hand and placed them in their cupped hands.

How was I going to explain this then? Mam was going to go akka.

"Reet-" I began.

"Where's Evie?" mam interrupted.

"About that-"

Mam's eyes widened, her lips turning into a scowl, "What have you done this time Sam? If I find out you've said owt to hurt that lass, you'll not hear the end of it." she threatened.

My eyes looked down, throwing me under the bus.

"Sam, you can't keep doing this to the people you love. I'm gannin grey 'cause of you." she complained, cradling her tea, "So, tell is what you've said and I'll help you work it oot."

"Mam, I've really done it this time." I sighed, tears funnelling my vision, "I told her to suck it up about the miscarriage. I told her we weren't meant to be together. I told her that she didn't know who I actually am."

"Excuse me?" she hissed, "Samuel Thomas Fender, I never raised my son to treat a woman that way. How bloody dare you bring up a woman's miscarriage- you have zero say in that. What will people think of the family if they hear what you said? What will your fans think of you if they find out? You're disgusting, Samuel. If this is the real you you're on about, I want nothing to do with him." she rampaged, "Get out of my sight." she pointed towards the direction of my bedroom.

I bit my lip, looking sorrowfully at my mam and flicking my eyes onto Ronnie, who just looked sympathetically at me and nodded his head to leave. And I did. Head down and full of shame and guilt and doubt. Not only had I messed mine and Evie's relationship up, but I'd fucked it with mam again.

When I got to my room, I tossed myself onto my bed and stared up at my lamp shade on the ceiling. I stayed there, in bed, for practically a lifetime. It wasn't even a minute past midday and I was already suffering. Suffering mam's wrath, my own wrath and likely Evelyn's wrath.

*****

Jolting from my position, mam entered my door after almost busting it down police-style, "Don't you worry about us, Shirl. I'm so sorry for putting you and your family in a tough position with the split. Love yous all eternally." she read from her phone, "Well? What do you think of that?"

I shrugged my shoulders, genuinely confused as to how I should respond, "The poor bairn is apologising for you're mistakes." she spoke toughly.

I looked down, arms limp over my bent knees, guilt nipping me at every body part.

My mam's face went soft as she sat on the edge of my bed. Her hand stroked the top of my head and she opened her arms for me to fall into, "Talk to her. You love her. You had something going for yous. I'm routing for yous."

"But she doesn't love me, so what's the point." I complained.

"Sam. My Sam isn't someone who gives into every challenge, he collides headfirst right into them. He doesn't give up." she explained, "I'm your mam, son, I know you more than you kna yoursel'. So get on that phone and give her a message."

I did.

But the results weren't how I hoped for them to be.

Sam: We need to talk x

Evelyn: Sam, we've talked about it, I don't want to think about it anymore. Sorry, but I'm not ready x

Sam: I'll be here when you are ready. I want to get over this Evie x

Evelyn: It's not going to be easy Sam, I'm not running back to you like I used to x

Sam: I'll always be here x

Evelyn: Stop saying that, Sam.

Sam: You'll always be in my heart, its a given x

Evelyn: Alright Sam, I'll consider talking to you, but its not gonna be easy

*****

Evelyn: I've packed ur shit up. u have a key, let urself in when u can be arsed x

Sam: reet x

Great. She really was finished with me this time, and rightly so, but I can't cope without her.

This calls for a drink.