INFINITE WAR✧･ BARNES

two.

Edinburgh, 2018

I ran my hair through my newly dyed, freshly coated platinum blonde hair. It was a version of me that I had never seen before. As I stared hard at myself in the mirror, it felt like I was hardly staring at myself at all. I continued to look over myself, lifting my hand to tug my zipper to its end before I tugged the ends of my hair into a tight braid. It took me back to years ago when Papa would always willing tie my braids for me. The memory sat with me In two different ways. I couldn't tell if I wanted to smile or scowl at mention of him. Additionally, I had no idea where he was; and the hardest thing about being a family like us that was constantly running was the fact that we almost never did it together. 

I sighed deeply and rested my hands against the counter top. I let the water run even if I had no plans of touching it. I gripped the ends of the counter, staring at the black gloves covering my hands as well as the black suit that tightly covered the rest of my body. I had so many things on my mind, and still, I couldn't differentiate any of my thoughts. I couldn't pick them apart and figure out which bothered me most. There was just a cluster of voices and discomfort sitting within me, and I couldn't shake it.

The door to the washroom flew open. Before I even knew who it was, I pulled my shades back down over my eyes to hide the uncertainty swimming within them. I jumped away from the sink, losing the vulnerability in my stance before I stood up straight. I turned my head just to see that it was my mom, so I looked away in distaste. I started to mess with the leather on my gloves so that I didn't have to face her. 

I could see her glare at me and slightly scowl at my reaction. "Wow, what's the attitude for?" She questioned, coming up beside me to wash her hands. She stared down at her hands as she scrubbed them harshly instead of looking up to face me. 

I shook my head in response. "Just thinking," I say, turning to face her. "Always have a lot on my mind," I nod, adjusting my glasses promptly. My mom sucks her teeth in response as she shut off the water. 

"How much of it has to do with me and your dad?" She asked, flicking her hands into the air as she turned to offer a curious, accusing stare. She already knew the answer. The worst part was the way that I felt my heart sink a bit when she called him my father. I knew I didn't think of Clint any differently, but having a new perspective on who he really is makes it hard to continue to accept him the way I did before.

I hesitated because I was somewhat scared to respond. "Do you sometimes forget that I basically unwillingly had to give up my relationship with Luca, I lost my child, and I kind of lost my dad too?" I asked her, almost raising my voice with a bite in it that could have easily come off as rude. I didn't mean for it to come off that way. It was weird when I saw my mom now; sometimes I was okay with her being around and other times I couldn't stand her. The decision to keep the secret of my father away from me all my life was now constantly affecting my moods. I was thankful for the role of my parents in my life, but it made me wonder how real everything else was. It made me question my childhood, and it somewhat made me feel less than to my family. 

"You didn't lose your dad," My mom bit back before I could take a breath. "He's still here, and he always has been," she intervened before I could add anything else. She made sure to meet my eyes threateningly so that I didn't say anything else that I would most likely regret. 

"So, where is he, Mama? Where?"

I could see her bite her tongue, either to hold back her words or to contain her anger. I don't think my mom fully knew where my dad was right now. And if she did, she was intent on not telling me at all. I could see the anger and the pain sitting in her green-ish irises as she glared at me.