To My Ryder,
I don't really know what to say, I'm kinda writing this on a whim.
I didn't intend to write anything when I did this, I was just going to do it, but knowing you're here Ryder and after everything, I feel like I have to say something. So here I am.
I guess I wanna start by apologizing to you again for not telling you about the solo deal. I wanted to, I really did, but I knew you probably would've flown off of the handle and beat up Finet or something and I didn't want you to get in trouble. That and I just genuinely didn't know how to approach it with you. It's hard bringing something like that to your very best friend, who you've also been in love with for years. But I digress. I really am sorry you had to find out from that bullshit interview, and that it was the literal night before. I hope you can forgive me for keeping that from you.
I also really hope you can forgive me for what I'm about to do.
I just don't think I'll be able to live, Ry. It's one thing to be forced to go solo but to the point where I wouldn't be allowed to contact you or the boys? The thought made me sick to my stomach. You guys were the biggest part of my life and they wanted to take me away from that. They wanted me to sing without you guys. And I just can't do that. I don't want to know what a life without you guys is like. I don't want to know what it's like to sing alone. I don't want to know what any of that life holds for me and I'm not going to find out. I decided a week ago that I would do this tonight.
If I have to leave, I'm doing it on my own terms.
I probably sound crazy to you. I'm sure your initial response would be something like "what about how it would affect everyone who cares about you?" or something like that. I don't want you to think I'm just some completely selfish ass because I have thought about that, and I've thought about it a lot. But the way I see it, I won't be around you guys anyways and I think you'd all prefer me being happy if I'm away. Does it really make that big a difference if I'm breathing? Sorry if that's insensitive or something but that's just how I feel. They even said I wouldn't even be allowed to contact my parents, Ry. That they didn't want me to have any ties to the past. Some shit about molding me anew.
I can't and I won't. They won't do that to me.
I can't tell you how much I hate Quantum. I feel like I've been stabbed in the back 35 times. Up until now they've always been good to us and now... asshats. All of them. Especially Annette, that backstabbing bitch. That's one of the things that hurts the most.
I feel myself starting to ramble and I think that's cause part of me is scared and trying to put this off even though I know it's what I have to do to be happy. I'll try to stick to the point.
The main reason I'm writing this, Ryder, is to say thank you.
Thank you for the years of amazing friendship. Thank you for always riding for me, even when I was wrong. Even when it costs you. Thank you for coming over today even when you mentally weren't feeling it. Thank you for finally opening up to me about your feelings. Thank you for being receptive to mine.
To keep from writing a million thank yous- Thank you for being you, Ryder.
Oh wait, one more- Thank you for the absolutely mind-blowing sex. I've never had it like that before just... wow. What a sendoff!
Sorry, I shouldn't be making light of this. But no one has ever made love to me like that before. I've never felt so... so cared for. The way you looked at me, Ryder, made me want to freaking combust. I felt so wanted. So loved. Ry, I felt so special.
