Shea & War

Chapter 6

This Is Bone Deep, Soul Crushing, Life Altering Pain

Shea

Waking up in the hospital for the second time in a month is not what I enjoy. In fact I'm pretty sure I don't want to be here again, ever. I drifted in an out of consciousness on the ride to the hospital, every bump and bounce the car took sent me back into the black, and the moment I got here they put me under anesthesia and took me straight in to surgery. Looking at the wall clock, I can see it's about 12 hours after I first walked into the club. I feel a little loopy which I think it's probably due to pain medication. I seriously don't want any more of that, I've never been one to use any kind of drugs or addictive medication, I truly worry that I could become an addict because of my parents DNA addiction gift to me.

Stretching a bit, moving around and getting oriented, I see my brothers and War. War is sitting against the wall, awake and staring out the window. My brothers are asleep.

"War, you ok?" I ask, because I can tell from here that he isn't. He looks sick and devastated and a million miles away.  I can read my mans expressions, and the blank flat sad affect he's got going now is scary.

War rushes over to me, kisses me all over my face, kneeling by my bed, taking my good hand in both of his.  Inhaling the scent of him starts to calm me, lulls me into my 'War World'.

"Baby, I'm so sorry, this is my fault again. You're in the hospital again because of me. Shea baby, I'm so fucking sorry!"

He has tears in his eyes, and his voice is harsh and ragged, he's trying not to cry.  The blank look of earlier has now been replaced by a harshly, ravaged and sad expression.

"War, this wasn't your fault! That bitch pushed me down and I fell! You weren't anywhere around when it happened! Why are you blaming yourself?"

At this point, the tears have leaked out of his eyes, my man is crying. Why is he so upset about my arm? This has nothing to do with him!

Rocky and Jax come over and stand next to us, they both have angry harsh looks on their faces.

"Tell her War, get it out, then lets fix it and move on, maybe she can make you listen to reason, we sure as fuck have failed at that." Jax says this quietly, with his eyes on me, a sad expression on his face.

War closes his eyes, and breaks my heart when he opens them, I know whatever he's going to say is going to hurt.

"It is my fault baby.  This is all my fault. If I'd listened to you months ago, and ignored or gotten rid of Mandi then none of the shit the past months have brought us would have happened. I wouldn't have used drugs, we wouldn't have drifted apart, you'd still be pregnant, and you wouldn't be lying here in the hospital with stitches, bruises and a broken arm."

"Stop War, no ...."

"I'm so sorry baby, please let me finish. Last night, before you got to the club, Mandi came over to talk to me at the bar. I told her to get the fuck away, I never wanted to see her skanky ass. She was playing her same stupid games, but I swear babe, it was so obvious and I don't know why I ever missed it before. It was everything you said months ago, playing the poor me, trying to get my sympathy, all that shit. But this time, I just looked at her and told her to fuck off, Jesus, so fucking obvious!  At some point she must have put something in my drink. I swear I didn't knowingly take anything, I haven't used anything but pot and booze since you found out everything, I won't ever lie about that again.   But I started to fly, it felt weird and wrong, and kind of familiar, I mean I was getting out there, and I knew I shouldn't be feeling that way.  Your brothers noticed and tried to contain me. Then you came and she said that fucked up shit to you and hurt you. In all the commotion of you going to the hospital, I wandered into my room, thinking I'd get my keys and go to you, I just wanted to be with you and hold you.  It's all really hazy, but I remember lying down on my bed, trying to figure what the fuck was going on, when you came in to my room, and then we started fucking, I thought it was you..."

"Oh, no, no noooo, no War, no please say it didn't happen!" I start crying because I know what happened, he doesn't have to tell me, I already feel it, it's so obvious and clear that the damn snake finally got what she wanted.

He fucked Mandi last night.  He might have thought it was me he was with, but he fucked her, he fucked Mandi.

War has tears running down his face, he's running his fingers over my hand, bringing it up to kiss, then rubbing it again, a constant soothing and loving touch, that seems in such contrast to the look of horror and shame on his face.

"Yeah baby, I'm so sorry, I thought I was with you. I was so fucking out of it. Next thing I remember is Pike and Hack sitting in my room yelling at me, I remember a lot of noise and commotion, and then I fell asleep,  I woke up a bit ago and they brought me here to you. The club is testing my drink to see what she put in it. Rider said that they found she had GHB and X on her, so it was probably that. I'm so sorry baby."

My brothers are looking away from us, they look more sad than angry, but I think all of our emotions are all over the place.

"We can deal with this War, you didn't mean or want for this to happen, please let's not make this worse ok? I mean this hurts, and it's awful, but it wasn't your fault! None of it was, not the miscarriage, not my arm, please baby, please just sit here with me.  Lets leave this all in the past, leave her behind and all the shit she's brought into our lives, lets go back to being us!" I lift his hand to my face and kiss his fingers, he cups my face with both his hands, kissing my face over and over.

"Shea, I've hurt you too much, I can't keep doing this to you. You've been in the hospital twice because of me! I'm so sorry baby, I love you, I love you too much to keep hurting you! I'm fuckin trash for what's happened to you."

Rocky and Jax must have known this was coming, they don't seem surprised, but Jax tries to help.

"Dude, no, this isn't on you. This is solely on that bitch. Only her, she owns this shit. You never went after her, never tried to get with her, you avoided it at every turn, Shea's right, don't make this worse!"

"Fuck it War, you're the only one hurting her now! Stop doing this, you're gonna kill her if you leave!" Rocky growls, staring at War.

Panic and adrenalin instantly flow through my body, I can't breathe or take my eyes off War.

"Leave? What are you talking about? War, what is he saying, you're not leaving me! You can't! War, what's going on?" I'm crying and desperate for him to tell me all is ok, but with the look on his face, that's not what I'm going to hear come from his beautiful lips.

"Baby, I've loved you since I first saw you. I was a piece of trash foster kid that found a home with the club and your family, and then I saw you.  You made me better and whole, I tried so fuckin hard to be a good man for you, I wanted to be like your brothers and erase the shit your parents showed you, but I was then, and I still am trash baby, I'm shit.   Doesn't matter how hard I tried and all that I thought I'd changed, the trash part of me won out, I let that fucking cunt talk to me, come between us. Even though I never wanted her, never for one fucking second did I want her or any other bitch, it still ended up happening didn't it? I still fucked her. I fucking broke us, broke you, sent our baby away from us. I can't, I won't cause you any more pain. I love you baby, but if I don't leave you, I'll just keep hurting you. You need to know, you gave me heaven when I was in your life, pure fuckin heaven. I'll be atoning for hurting you for the rest of my life. Saving you, means staying away from you, that will also be my punishment, missing you and loving you, but never touching you again. I love you Shea, only you, always you, forever you." He kisses my tears, my cheeks and my lips, and then he walks out the door.  He walks out of the fucking door and away from me, away from us.

"What just happened? You guys, go after him! Make him come back! I need him, he is everything, please you guys, help me bring him back!"  I'm crying, sniveling, screaming, desperately trying to get out of the bed.

My brothers have moved in and surround me, holding me the best they can, trying to comfort me, they look as broken as I feel.

"Shea, we've been talking to him about this for hours, he's not listening. He feels so fucking guilty he's not listening to reason. He wants to go nomad for a couple months to get himself together, he said he'd stay in contact and come back. You're his whole fucking life, he'll come back to you.  He loves you, you are his fucking world, he'll come back."