Monachopsis

- 1: I know that I ended it -

It isn't his fault.

It can't be his fault, because if it's his fault then that means that everything that's happened, all of the things that led up to this point, have all been because he is an idiot.

And he'd rather make the same mistakes all over again then ever call himself an idiot.

-

Some would say that Katsuki Bakugo doesn't really know all that much about feelings or understand them at all. He would say that he couldn't give a shit about them, that it's a lack of not wanting to understand rather than flat out not understanding.

His feelings are something he just doesn't like to dig into, something that he thinks doesn't need a complex explanation. Unlike his counterpart, he doesn't dig into every little thing, every little emotion, to try and put a name to it.

That's why he doesn't question it when he suddenly gets the need to bully his childhood best friend. At the age of four, he decided he had it all figured out. He knows what he wants and goes for it, and what he wanted at that age was to watch Izuku Midoriya cry.

It was weird to him (still kind of is) how easily the green haired freak could show his emotions. He was sad, he would cry. He was scared, he would scream. Unlike Katsuki, four-year-old Izuku was a faucet for any kind of emotion.

And it was so fucking funny.

Funny how snot would run down his nose and touch his lip before he wiped it away, funny how red his eyes would get and funny how he would look at him. Katsuki couldn't help but laugh whenever he saw Izuku like that.

This reaction to Izuku Midoriya's anguish seemed to transcend all the way to middle school since he hasn't stopped laughing all these years. He doesn't know what it is, but he doesn't really care to find out.

He shoves Deku's shoulder harshly, watching his body jerk with a grin plastered on his face. Green eyes look at him with hurt, something Katsuki has grown more than accustomed to. He watches as Deku loses his footing and falls back.

When he hits the ground and looks up at him through dark green curls, Katsuki can't get enough of it. Especially when he hears Deku's voice, wobbly and barely held together. He just wishes he could see the tears filling his eyes.

"Kacchan... Please, just stop...."

He doesn't get why Deku tells him this because it's not like he's going to let him go. It's the end of the school day and Katsuki needs to blow off some steam before he goes home to study. Deku just happens to be the perfect way to do that.

"You'll do whatever the fuck I want you to do Deku, whenever the fuck I want you to do it."

Normally, he'd kick him around, but he hasn't been feeling that in a couple of months. For some reason, he wants to feel his body under his hands, under his fist. He still cant see Dekus eyes, hidden under his dark green curls.

Can't have that.

"Stand up."

Deku doesn't say anything, but Katsuki can hear the sounds of soft siffling coming from him. The nerd is trying to put on a tough act, failing miserably. He gets up on shaky legs, like a deer just learning how to walk.

He grips the hem of his shirt, his hands shaking slightly. He's still looking down. Katsuki clenches his fist, his knuckles scarred and calloused thanks to the many times they have connected to the body in front of him.

He pulls his arm back, feeling the nice strain in the limb before punching Deku right in the face. He doesn't scream or anything, just lets out a winded sound and drops to the ground. He looks at him, his hand on his cheek that is now beginning to bruise, tears long since falling out of his eyes.

So green, their color brought out even more with the tears. Deku sniffs loudly, only crying harder. Still he doesn't make any noise, and Katsuki just watches the tears fall. He gives him the kindest smile he can (Clearly not as kind as he thought since Deku flinches) and orders again.

"Get up."

Dekus hand leaves his cheek before he stands up again, tears falling onto the ground. Katsuki waits, counting the seconds it takes him to do so impatiently. He has time for one more hit before he has to get going, and here deku is wasting his fucking time.

When he finally does get up, Katsuki decides to show him some mercy by hitting the other side of his face. The same reaction happens but katsuki still can't get enough of it. He gives him one nice kick in the ribs as he tries to get himself up, only to slam back into the ground.

"Who the fuck said you could stand up again shit nerd? You stay on the ground till I fucking tell you to. Now apologize."

Deku looks at him, his eyes puffy and red rimmed. Even his nose is red, and there is dirt on his face. He almost laughs at how gross it is.

"Im... I'm sorry kacchan."

Katsuki grins before digging his shoe into his ribs again. Instead of kicking him though, he wipes the dirt from under his shoes on his uniform.

"Good. Now stay here for an hour. If I find out that you didn't, I'll pull you out of class and fuck you up again. Understand?"

He only gets a nod, but that's enough. He knows Deku would never go against him. He adjusts his backpack and leaves, not even turning around. He's the last on school grounds like normal, so he doubts anyone will see Deku laying there.

He leaves and goes home, entering the quiet house. No one is home yet, so he goes up to his room to study. He feels at ease, relaxed and less tense thanks to shitty Deku. Anytime he wants, he can just beat him up and he won't say a word.

And none of that ever has to change.