Depression stuff

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my whole life i had depression, even as a kid i knew something was wrong and i didn't need to be diagnosed to know. my friends would think i'd be joking when i crack joke about suicide. they knew "everything" about me and get mad when i say i don't like myself.

they knew everything about me but didn't know the reason to why i avoided revealing clothes. i picked up makeup skills to make me feel better but felt worse to see how much people like a face i hated and get backlash bc i'm to pretty to be upset. that i had things other people would love and i felt frustration that no one was listening.

as i got older i ignored my problems until i find myself having nightmares to realize it was events from my life but knowing people rather vent to me then listen to me. i found myself isolating begging, posting, making jokes in hope someone would sit down and actually let me talk.

never made effort to make relationships at the time because i disliked the way men sexualized me. the moment i got close to a old close friend was the moment i lost trust in all men when i found myself locked in the car begging him to open the door. i texted my roommate and she didn't bothered to help.

again no one knew and i was afraid to speak up bc he was well loved and they framed me as a "easy" person and I didn't know my mental health could get worse. i worked to distract myself only to realize i cried at any opportunity i could get not knowing why i was so sensitive.

had a close friend that watched and heard me cry in the bathroom scrubbing my body and not once did she hung me because atm i didnt even want to be looked at cause i felt so dirty. but still i wanted comfort and she would rather watch me sleep in the living couch then talk to me.

my body broke out in hives that turned to burns that when i went to the doctor they said it was just stress. reached out to receive nothing. my mind felt like a switch flipping being replaced by a darkness that i always felt as a kid completely consuming me.

at the moment i lost all effort to fight anything. my mind felt so dull i didn't even release i bought alcohol and pills and next thing i knew i was laying on my bed crying from the amount of pain. i guess even in the moment of wanting to die my small hope texted a friends i never thought i'd reach out to.

luckily her mother was a nurse and she told her to visit me cause it sounded like i needed help. didn't think she come to my apartment until it was 2 am and i was covered in sweat, blood and vomit hearing her bang on the door while calling me.

i panicked cause i out of anyone i didn't want her to see how hopeless i was. i opened the door and the moment she saw my dilated pupils she talked calmly to me as if she didn't want to say the wrong thing.

she looked worried and i was confused until i felt tears dripping down my face as i kept repeating i was sorry and i didn't want to do this anymore. i told her what i did and she asked me what i took and how many. instead of talking i showed her the many empty bottles on the ground with a half empty alcohol bottles on my counter.

my room was a mess but she didn't care. i could see her pretending not to notice the blood soaked towels as she lead me to my bathroom telling me to force it out. as i puked in between my gags i told her i didnt want a ambulance bc i was scared.

instead she called 911 asking them a "if my friend were to" question. and they suggested they need to send a ambulance bc i could be dead within any minutes. it was odd i wanted this, all my life I wanted nothing but to leave the world but knowing she came to my apartment send me to fear.

she suggested to drive me and on the way to the hospital i called my mother telling her what happened. there was a dead end as she couldn't find the words to say anything.

as i got to the hospital the told me to follow them and i found myself in a solitude room being told what was happening. i was scared but she stayed with me sleeping on the hospital been knowing i didn't want to be alone.

the night end and i was waiting to be transfer to the psyward getting multiple nurse wondering what was the reason. i refuse to speak until the nurse told me my brother was im the hospital here with me and i got scared.

they were the last person i wanted to see but instead she took me to the room next by me and i saw him sitting on the bed talking to himself. i sat at the ground looking at him asking if he even know who i am as he continues to mumble words to himself. i joked saying "family reunion" crying and i could feel the feeling of sadness coming from the nurses.

sad to see a older brother who's having a schizophrenic moment not being to reaction his little sister who's tried to take her own life. i sat in silence bc this was the only moment we ever had for so long. last time i saw him was him being send away to jail.

a day later my family came but i wanted to reject their visit but my mind said hey its family whats the worst that could happen. as i sat on the bed my mother, father, brother and little sister walked in. nothing was said but they just stared at me. i don't know why but it really bugged me because i was waiting for something but instead my father just said "are you mentally ill? whats wrong with you".

again i felt my world crashing on me knowing they wouldn't understand but had small hope that they cared. they didn't even stay for a hour but left because my father had world and i could feel my lungs collapsing inside my body as i wanted to scream you are the problem but again i stayed quiet.