Letters To The Dead

Chapter 31

Beth,

Hey. This is going to be my last letter for a while now because I have to stay focused on what's coming next. Redness. The community is a mess that I have to sort out as their new leader.

I know. A leader. I never really thought I would become one, never really saw myself as one, but with this I don't really have a choice.

The thing is, I killed Solomon. I did it. All this time I wanted to more than anything but now that I've done it, I feel worse. I feel like I've been thrown in a tub of blazing fire and no matter what I do, I can't get away. I just thought that killing him would make it stop, make the pain stop but now I don't know anymore. I'm such a mess, Beth.

I can barely sleep, not that I slept much in the first place, and when I do, I see his face. Sometimes I can still feel his warm blood on my hands, the way it slipped through my fingers and stained my clothes. And to be honest it's not a good feeling either. I keep telling myself I didn't have a choice. If I hadn't, he would have killed the others, but I think we both know that's not the full case here. I could have knocked him out or something, but I didn't. And I don't get it. I don't get why I'm feeling like this when this was what I wanted. I fucking wanted this, so why is it affecting me so bad? He got what he deserved.

I suppose you want to hear it from the start. I just hope that when you finish this letter that you don't hate me as well. Just because I don't want to do this on my own, I can't do this on my own.

The day after we unplugged Maria, we left early in the morning. Probably around half six and it was lightly lit outside. Unplugged. I write about her as if she's some dumb machine instead of a human being, instead of my best friend. To be honest I'm not trying to do that, not on purpose anyway. But maybe it's easier to pretend this way, fake it until you make it. I never really understood the saying but now I think I get it. Sometimes that's all you can do, right? Fake it until the pain becomes more tolerable.

Kara, Diane, Casey, and I joined Tommy outside. He was waiting by the gates with a few soldiers, kids, and some elderly people. Some of them didn't look too good, and probably needed frequent rest and snack breaks, and I knew that our travel journey has doubled in hours length, instead of two it was going to be four.

I really didn't look forward to it, but I knew it had to be done. This place wasn't suitable enough for any kid, even though Casey was born here and doesn't know any better. He deserved a normal chance at childhood where he could go to school, have friends, and fall in love. All that stuff. We waited outside for about thirty minutes, which felt way longer as I was freezing my ass off. Casey was shivering away, despite the many layers of warm clothing that he had on; and he cuddled into my side.

Something about it reminded me of ten years ago, when our family was torn apart, and it made me feel worse about going ahead with the trip. Looking back, I really wished I had listened to my gut and not gone ahead with it. Maybe everything would have ended differently but to be honest I doubt it. Tommy still would have gone ahead with it so in the end, the result would have still been the same.

In the journey we stopped about fifteen times. More than I thought but not entirely surprising to be honest. By the twelfth time, I think Casey had noticed something was up and wasn't his usual inquisitive, eager self.

He kept asking me where we were going, voice shaking, and I felt bad when I kept lying. Maybe it would have been better to tell him the truth but every time I looked at him and saw his eyes, Mum's eyes, I just couldn't. I didn't want to see his devastation or pain, as he wouldn't understand. All he would know was that more of his family was leaving him again.

We had gone through three fields, an acre of woods and a seaside village to get to the boats waiting. At times we had a few run ins with zombies and as exactly how Tommy planned it, he had his soldiers staying behind to kill them. And our team protected the kids and elderly up ahead away from the action. It was difficult staying from it, when all I kept hearing was the bangs from their guns.