Cold Open:
(Portshill Jr. High School, day, Mr. Stkrdknmibalz's classroom. Oral Report Day. Zach is at the front of the class with a picture of all the planets rising over the moon on the roll-up screen.)
Zach: Pluto is also the furthest planet from the sun, though scientists believe more planets lie beyond it. I hope you enjoyed my report on the Solar System. Thank you.
Mr. Stkrdknmibalz: Okay, very nice, Zachary. Thank you. Okay, students, looks like we only have time for one more speech today, so let's have, uh, Turner.
Turner: Thank you, Mr. Stkrdknmibalz. My speech is entitled "New-Jersian Teens: Young people with black hair and cherokee skin." We've all seen them - on the park, at the store, walking on the streets - they're perverted karma houdinis that creep us out and bust our balls. I'm talking of course about...new-jerseyites. Aww, sick, gross! New-Jerseyites are born with a disease which causes hispanic-like skin, black hair, and sometimes, freckles. Aw, nasty, yuck! This disease is called Cherokeetosis, and it occurs because New-Jerseyites have no souls.
Ollie: What...
Bernie: The...
Cleo: FUCK?!
Turner: Kids who have cherokeetosis can't be cured. Yikes, Zoinks, Barf! Because their skin is half-hispanic, they must avoid the moon. Just like vampires have to avoid the sun.
Almost all students: Aaaah.
Ollie: BOOOOOOOOOO! Boo, Turner! Boo, Turner Fledge, Boo!
Bernie: That's not true, racist! Me, Ivy and Zach have hispanic skin, and we don't have to avoid the moon!
Turner: I was getting to that, if you will let me. Some people have light-brown skin, but not black hair. These people are called "Day-and-Night-walkers."
Jiro/Kikaider: The fuck did you just say?!
Ollie: This is bullshit!
Turner: Mr. Stkrdknmibalz. I'm really having a difficult time with all these interruptions.
Mr. Stkrdknmibalz: Ollie, let Turner give his presentation.
Ollie: It's not a presentation, it's a hate speech! Nobody's creeped out by New Jersey!
Brody: Uh...I am.
Jo-Jo: But you're friends with Zach, so that make you a HYPOCRITE!
Bernie: Yeah, I agree! Don't listen to him, he's just trying to brainwash you!
Mr. Stkrdknmibalz: Bernie, if you wanna debate Turner, you can do so with your paper tomorrow!
Bernie: Fine, I WILL!
Turner: Fine! In the meantime, shut your Goddamn day-and-night-walker mouth!
Ollie: YOU SON OF A B-!
Bernie: Calm down, Ollie, calm, down!
Ollie: Thanks, Bern, I needed that.
Turner: Let's see, where was I? Oh yes! Like vampires, the Jersey gene is a curse, and unless we work to rid the earth of that curse, the New-Jersians could envelop our lives in darkness for all time. It is time that we all admit to ourselves that New Jersey is vile and disgusting. In conclusion, I will leave you with this: if you think that the Jersey problem is not a serious one, then you're not even better than New Jersey itself.
YOU ARE READING
Ollie's Pack: Season 2
FanfictionThese are my plans for "Ollie's Pack" to get a second season.
