I summarize Greek myths (but make it funny)

Orpheus and Eurydice

So, Orpheus was a child of the muse Calliope ( my phone keeps wanting to call her cantaloupe) and Apollo (I think some versions say it was some king too but idk I remember him being a child of Apollo), and because his dad was Apollo and his mom was the muse of poetry my dudes was a pretty sweet musician (for my fellow pjo fans, basically charm speak but with a lyre). He lived in Thrace and basically impressed everyone with his music. He was so good at music that he ended up part of the argonauts with Jason on his journey for some sick new drip (I'll probably talk about him more in his own myth later). Also he chilled in Egypt and learned about Dionysus cult worship for a while (well that's just ironic...)

Orpheus fell in love with Eurydice and married her but this dude at there wedding (the literal god of marriage Hymen, not to be confused with the goddess of marriage Hera...yeah not that bitch) was like, "so yeah this happy marriage isn't gonna last very long my dudes" and safe to say his was right. Euphoria was walking with her nymph friends in the forest and i guess no one taught her that rhyme "red on black friend of Jack, black on yellow you're a dead fellow" because boom, snake bite and she was dead.

So, Orpheus was obviously crushed by this loss and decided to go all emo and write super angsty music and stuff, but cause his music was magical and all that he started making everyone depressed so Apollo came to him and was like, "dude you gotta stop making everyone sad, go return your wife from the underworld or something but please stop making everyone depressed and angsty with you", so Orpheus traveled to the underworld to retrieve his wifey from the dead.

He went before Hades and Persephone (so this happened in winter or fall) and started playing his angsty emo music for them instead and it was so powerful it made everyone in the underworld sob, so Hades agreed to let Eurydice to travel back to the lane of the living with Orpheus but with the deal that Orpheus couldn't turn around to look at Eurydice until they were both out of the underground. Orpheus would have to lead Eurydice with his music but if Orpheus ever turned around to see Eurydice before they were in the mortal world she would be forced to return to the underworld.

They managed to make it all the way to the entrance when Orpheus feared he was being tricked by hades (hear that folks, Hades is a villain propaganda lost him his wife) and turned around only for his wife to be sent back to the underworld. After loosing his wife for a second time and returning to being angsty he decided to swear off relationships with woman and instead turned to pedophilia directed at young boys.....

Then, when he was having an angsty concert for the forrest creatures bashing all the gods a bunch of Dionysus cult followers showed and ripped him limb from limb for not worshipping Dionysus (again, the irony). In death he was finally reunited with his dearly beloved Eurydice (imagine him having to explain his angsty pedophilia faze...that would definitely be awkward af). And his lyre became a constellation at one point too.

- The end