The In Between

A Cross I Refuse to Drop

Sometimes my cross is the pain i put me through ,because i feel as though it would inconvenience God to take it off my shoulders.
I say:

"No God, I can do it. I can make it through the pain so you wont have to. I can tolerate what they are doing so you don't have to be disappointed at me for the way i handled that situation. No, trust me i decided i can get through this sin without you. You've done so much for me I don't want to burden you Father."

But the cold hard truth is that cross gave me comfort for so long it became my identity. I refuse to allow myself to become uncomfortable for a season so i can live better in the end. I refuse to completely surrender because that would mean i would have to repent and face what I've done. What I've become. So now my sin is not only the cross i bare, but the chains that keep me here. I struggle to survive because i do not want to be unsatisfied with myself. I am broken. I am tattered and worn. I am not peace, but an ocean full of rage. I am drowning in the sea i have put myself in, because i cannot fathom who i am to be what God desires.