zanvis || the ghost of you

stuck on replay.

[triggers: mention of self harm]

"Hey i'm going for a walk before dinner alright? I need to clear my thoughts, i've got so many projects swirling in my head."
"Do you need me to come with you?" I asked, looking away from the stove.
"No it's okay, I don't want to ruin supper, I see you working hard over there, mr. housewife. I appreciate you cooking for me tonight. I'll be back okay? I'm only going around the block. Actually, do you want some wine or something? I can drive to the store instead?"
"Do you want some wine?" I ask, smiling.
"Ehhh, we can go together and get it after supper. I'm just gonna take a quick walk for now. Seriously art school is so brutal." He said tying his shoes.
"Alright, well be back soon, dinner is almost ready." I said, giving him a smooch before he walked out the door. I continued to watch over the food i was preparing for us. It was friday night, so Zane was finally done with classes for the week. I know making all those art projects for college is taking a toll on his mental health a little. It's getting harder and harder as the semester goes on. It feels like I'm on the sidelines not able to do anything to help my partner just trying to get a degree.

"Food is ready, Travis." Katelyn spoke through the house. Dante was with his girlfriend for the weekend so Katelyn decided to stay with me, assuming Zane wasn't coming back this time. I sat down at the counter next to Katelyn.
"Thanks." I said taking small bites of the food.
"No problem. I hope you like it." She said, eating at the same pace I was. I felt bad that she was eating so slow because of me.
"You can eat faster. I'm trying to keep it down." I said.
"Do you want me to grab some 7-up from the store? I can run and get it, maybe it'll help." She said, I looked towards her, but I didn't move my head or look directly at her. "Yeah?" She asked again. I nodded in appreciation, looking back down at my food. "I can go get you some. I'll be right back." she said, putting her plate in the microwave and slipped into her slides. She hugged me from behind before she walked out. I felt like a toddler being taken care of by my older sister who cared way more than any other person in the world. I was slowly eating more, then I heard the door open behind me. I thought maybe Katelyn forgot something, but Zane walked over and placed his wallet and keys on the counter. I looked over at him, shocked to see him again. Then I noticed his clothes were muddy and stained with something unknown. When I followed his sleeves down to his hands, I noticed red running down to his fingertips on both hands, blood. "Z-Zane? You're bleeding! Oh my god what happened?!" I stood up, rushing to my boyfriend who looked confused and pale, and messy.
"What?" He asked, confused, sounding dazed almost. I grabbed his arm, pulling up his sleeves to see a large gash on his wrist. The same on the other. Just one on each arm. I started panicking. "Jesus fucking christ- holy shit okay- let me wrap your arms-" I rushed to the bathroom to grab some gauze and he stayed there sitting at the counter. When I came back I tended to his wounds crying.
"W-Why did you do this?"
"I dont- i-.. I don't think I did. i wouldn't-" He stuttered out. Alluring to him not doing this to himself.
"But- how? How do you not know, Zane? You're hurt. Did someone hurt you?" I didn't believe it was someone else considering the location of the marks. The door opened and Katelyn came inside, we both turned to look at her, and when I turned back Zane was gone.
what the fuck?
"I'm back, I got the soda. Are you okay, Trav?" She asked. I looked back at her, and where Zane was just standing. She saw the gauze in my hands and rushed to my side.
"What's wrong? Are you hurt?" She pushed my sleeves up as I stood there in disbelief. All she saw were scabs and scars. I didn't do anything to myself. "Were you daydreaming?" She asked a little more concerned.
I looked around really confused. "I guess.. Thanks for the drink..." I said, taking it from her hand and sitting back down. We ate in silence. I didn't want to talk about what happened. It was like I relived something I don't remember happening. I mean, I was physically holding Zane in my arms, so he must have been there!

"Are you gonna be okay sleeping in here by yourself?" She asked. I nodded, "I have every other night. I'll be fine." I said. She turned the fan on for me, flicked the light switch off, and closed the door leaving it cracked open. Zane didn't come to bed that night. It was harder to sleep knowing he was sleeping in a different bed. I thought he still loved me, but maybe he was really starting to move on now, and everything he did earlier this week was just him being nice to be one last time. But i saw him in the house earlier! I cant sleep knowing something bad might have happened to him. i couldn't sleep with those types of negative thoughts racing in my mind, so i took melatonin.

That night I dreamt about cooking for Zane again, like I was reliving the moment I was stuck in earlier today at supper. He went for a walk, but this time when he came back he was fine, and he had a smile on his face. He sighed and hugged me tight before sitting down, Ahh, much better! It smells amazing, love, thank you again for cooking. I really appreciate it.
No problem, Zuzu. You deserve it. I know school has been a lot this week.

I opened my eyes and laid there for a moment, thinking about my dream. I was still dark out, so I intended on going back to bed, but I didn't know what was real and what was a dream anymore.. As anxiety started to set in, and a breakdown was on the verge of happening, I felt an arm wrap around my waist, and felt a kiss on the back of my neck. I nuzzled against my boyfriend, grabbing his hand tight, knowing it was his, thankful to find him in my bed. I easily fell back asleep with the feeling of his skin against mine, and his steady heartbeat on my back. Just like that, the anxiety had faded once more.