𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬. | conan gray

𝟎𝟒. | central park

we find a quiet spot in central park, laying down our blanket. as we settle in, el can sense my overwhelming emotions after the encounter with conan.

she assures, "amy, if you're not ready to explain everything, you don't have to. we can talk about it later."

i appreciate her understanding, but i know it's time to tell her. "no, i need to tell you. you deserve to know."

she nods, encouraging me to continue.

i take a deep breath. i start, "so, conan and i... well, we have a past." i glance at el. "do you know his song 'people watching'?"

her eyes light up. "oh wait, is it the one who goes like 'i wanna feel al the love and emotion?'" she sings.

i sigh, "exactly."

"oh my god, i love that song!"

i shoot her a look, and she catches on, offering a quick apology. "sorry, go on."

"well," i continue, "he shot the music video for that song in the café where i used to work."

el's eyes widen, connecting the dots. "oh my god," she exclaims softly.

"that's how we met. and we got close in a short time," i admit, "really close. he was my best friend and he understood me in ways no one else did. he helped me to open up about the shit i've been going through with my dad and everything. like, even charlie didn't know that much. but then, out of the blue, he started acting weird, distancing himself. no matter what i did, he just seemed off."

el listens intently, "and then?"

"i got tired of trying, so one day, i decided to cut him off. he never contacted me again and it almost felt like... like he never fucking cared about me," i say, feeling my eyes getting moist, but i try to pull myself together. "i never saw him again. i tried to avoid him on social media and everything, but it's not easy when he's a public figure."

"so... were you guys just friends, or was there something more?" el asks.

i play with my fingers. "well... i might have developed feelings for him. but i knew he didn't feel the same way, so i never made a move."

el begins to grasp the situation. "he was the one whose name you didn't want to mention yesterday, wasn't he?"

i nod silently.

el is silent for a moment too. then she asks, "why didn't you tell me?"

i sigh. "i never wanted to talk about it. i just wanted to bury the past with him," i confess. "it hurt too much to think about him because i don't know what i did wrong. to be honest, i still feel the anger and frustration."

el, slightly hurt, asks, "charlie knows about all this, doesn't he?"

i affirm, "he's the only one who knows. he was there when i met conan, but i asked him not to tell you or hailey. i just didn't want to make something big out of it. and now, apparently, hailey listens to his music a lot, so there's that."

"yeah..." el says, remembering that she discovered jigsaw because of hailey. she remains silent, processing the information.
then she speaks softly, "thank you for telling me. it... must have been tough for you."

i lower my gaze, try to pull myself together as good as possible.

"what are you going to do now?" she asks.

i shrug my shoulders. "charlie and i talked about reaching out to conan to clarify everything. i just want to be with you and put that chapter behind me. but i have no idea how to reach out to him or what to say. when we bumped into each other earlier, i couldn't say anything. i have so many questions, and i'm just confused. after months of not thinking about him, he popped back into my head, and all of a sudden, there he was, standing right in front of me. he could be anywhere in the world right now, what the fuck is he doing in new york? and why did he go to that café? he knows that's the place where our friendship began, and if i were him, i wouldn't be able to handle going there after what happened between us."

el suggests, "well... what if you actually go there? if he goes there often, for whatever reason, there's a chance you'll meet him, right?"

i hesitate, uncertain about the idea. "i don't know... what if he doesn't show up anymore after we bumped into each other? what if he no longer wants anything to do with me?"

el takes my hand, "amy, you won't know until you try. and if he's over it, at least you'll have closure. it's worth a shot."

feeling a mix of apprehension and determination, i nod. "you're right, el. i'll give it a shot." i look at her hand, smiling. i admit, "i'm relieved i finally told you."

el smiles back and leans in to kiss me. i reciprocate, grinning. then, she grabs one of the snacks we brought and offers it to me. "snack?" she asks, attempting to bring back a bit of normalcy to our conversation.

i smirk. "yes, please."

we decide to put the conan situation on hold for now. today is about us, and i just want to revel in el's company. we lay down, gazing at the clouds, hand in hand. i steal a glance at her.

"i don't want to torture you with cringiness again, but i'm so incredibly thankful that i met you, el." i express, looking at her.

el turns her head towards me, smiling, and jokingly says, "stop."

"no, seriously. i don't think anyone has ever made me as happy as you do. you love me for me. and honestly, if it weren't for you, i don't know if i could've moved out from my father's place."

el's smile disappears and she straightens up from lying down. "fuck, don't make me cry, dude." she squeezes my hand. "i'm sure you would've found a way out, but i'm so glad i could help. i'm thankful for you too, amy. you make life sweeter."

i make a pouty face. "come here," i say, reaching out my arms to her.

she smirks but obliges, putting her head on my chest and wrapping her arms around me.

"see, you're not that bad at receiving love. it just takes a little practice," i tease.

"shut up," she responds ironically, and we both end up smiling, enjoying the moment. i don't take my eyes off her.

honestly, i'm scared. scared of how the conan situation might ripple through our relationship. el and i have built something beautiful, and the last thing i want is for my past to cast a shadow over it. the fear of how this might affect us gnaws at the edges of my thoughts.

a part of me, however, yearns to see conan again. to speak to him, to finally unravel the truth of what happened between us. and i also admit, in the quiet recesses of my thoughts, that i've missed him. not the confusion or the pain, but the person i thought he was. the laughter, the shared moments, the connection we once had.

shit, i loved him. and even though he didn't have feelings for me, i'm dying to know what he felt.