love you (more and more each day)

four

When Ateş staggers into the room, Feraye thinks he's drunk at first. She frowns, sits still, and watches him. He hasn't noticed yet that she's awake, so he stumbles over to his desk, opens the drawer, and takes out a bottle of pills she's seen before. She's curious about it, but could never bring herself to ask because she feels like it's something he doesn't want to talk about- he's got it in an unlabeled bottle after all.

Ateş takes off his jacket, then his shirt and undershirt. Feraye closes her eyes, but finds herself sneaking a peek just a second later, unable to help herself. There are various tattoos on his chest and arms, and, to her surprise, some scars. Again, she finds herself curious about his past. All the information he's provided so far has been vague and glossed over, which only managed to pique her curiosity even more.

He stumbles into the bathroom, breathing hard, and she gets up, worried. She doesn't want him falling and hitting his head. So, she keeps an ear out.

Maybe ten minutes pass, and she hears nothing but the sound of running water, so she begins to relax. Just then, she hears a thud, then another, and she doesn't hesitate to run in, her heart in her throat.

She walks in expecting to find him sprawled out on the floor, passed out. What she finds is much worse.

Ateş is curled up in the corner of the shower, knees pulled to his chest. At first, she thinks he's naked, and finds herself blushing even as she berates herself for because now is not the time- but when she nears him, she finds he's still wearing his boxers. His chest is heaving, as if he's struggling to breathe, and his eyes are red. His whole body is trembling so badly she can see it from across the room.

"Ateş?"

He curls up even more, as if trying to hide from her. She walks closer. "Ateş?"

He shakes his head. "Feraye, can you please- just leave, please."

She kneels down in front of him, looks him in the eye and simply says, "no."

He closes his eyes, hangs his head. He's still breathing pretty hard, so she gets up, turns off the water, and gets in with him. Her pajamas are soaked within seconds, but she doesn't pay this any mind. Her hands find his knees and she waits until his eyes lock onto hers. "Ateş, breathe."

He clenches his jaw, attempting to take a deep breath in, but it stutters halfway, so she scoots even closer and takes his left hand, presses it to her chest. "Breathe with me. One, two, three, now breathe out."

They stay like that for a few moments, until his breathing evens out. His shoulders slump, and his head hits the bathroom tile. She immediately puts her hand to the back of his head, stopping him from hitting it again, and he stills.

"I'm so tired," he whispers, ad she knows he doesn't mean it in the physical sense. She feels guilty, because she knows a big of it is because of her.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'm so stupid, Feraye," he mutters brokenly, "everyone I love is lying to me. My grandfather, my mother, Yaman, Okan- they're all either lying to me or going behind my back or both. How could I not see it?"

She aches for him. This man who uprooted his life, who's only ever tried to help, who's so smart, but also so blinded by his love of his family that he couldn't see what was right in from of him. Her heart pounds in her chest, fear and guilt reaching an all time high and causing a lump to form in her throat. "Ateş," she says sadly, "you're not stupid. It's not on you. They're the ones who lied or betrayed you. They're the ones using your trust for them against you. It's not your fault, it's theirs." Even as she says the words, a sense of dread builds up, because she knows she's next. Sooner or later, he's gonna find out. Sooner or later, he'll be here, in this position, but that time, he'll be all alone, with no one to help him breathe, no one to hold him close.