Tahanan | Caitbea

03 Is it really enough?

I stretched my arms to ease the slight discomfort of sitting for hours.

Mag-iilang taon na 'ko working in corporate, but my body is still not used to working in an office. Tila hinahanap-hanap pa rin niya 'yung pag-training at workout araw-araw.

Bea also feels the same, so we'd allot at least an hour and a half for our workouts every Sunday.

I tilt my phone to check the time. It's a little past 12 o'clock in the afternoon, which means we're free to go for lunch.

"Caitlin, lunch na tayo?" Ralphs appears beside my desk.

"Clauds, sama ka?" I asked another one of our friends before standing up to join Ralph.

"Pass ako. Mamaya ko na 'to ipapasa e" Claudia declined while pointing at her computer screen, which flashes a document.

"Ralph!" tawag ni Athena, 'yung isa pa naming ka-opisina, sa kanya. "Mamaya ha, huwag mong kalimutan"

"Cait, sasama ka ba sa'min mamaya?" Nida asks me from her desk.

"Wala naman akong nababalitaan na plans mamaya" I confusedly answered.

Everyone in the room looked at Nida as if she had said something that she shouldn't have. 

"Ah, ano kasi" Athena panicked. "May onting inuman lang mamaya. Sama ka ha" na pilitang aya niya sa'kin.

Nginitian ko lang siya at inaya na si Ralph para kumain ng tanghalian.

"Inaya-aya pa niya 'ko, alam ko naman na ayaw nila 'kong kasama" I ranted to Ralph while eating. "Sa tingin ba nila hindi ko alam 'yung mga night out nila? It's so obvious how they'd talk about it then suddenly go silent once I enter the room"

"Kaya nga hindi na 'ko sumasama sa kanila, 'di ba. Hindi naman ako pupunta kung wala ka e" sagot ni Ralph sa'kin.

"Huwag, pumunta ka. Baka sabihin na lang nila na kontrabida ako. They'll just hate me more" I roll my eyes at the thought of how they'll blame me for sure.

"They don't hate you" he corrects. "Hindi mo rin naman sila masisisi kung may koonting awkwardness. You're Ma'am Evelyn's right-hand woman. Siyempre may koonting ilang talaga sila sa'yo kasi alam nila na kay Ma'am ang loyalty mo"

In our office, Claudia and Ralph are my only close friends. Malayo kasi 'yung loob ng mga iba kong ka-opisina sa'kin just because I'm close with our department head.

Nida is a new employee, so she's also someone I can consider a friend. 

"Kung makapag salita kasi sila minsan, kulang na lang ay isumpa nila si Ma'am Evelyn" I scoffed, remembering how they would badmouth our boss kahit sila naman talaga 'yung mali.

"Oh, kita mo na. Pinapaglaban mo na naman siya. She may be nice to you, but it's not the same with everyone"

On my first day of work, I already got scolded by Ma'am Evelyn, kaya pinagsikapan ko talagang pagbutihan 'yung trabaho ko. 

She's a very tough woman. She's very strict and particular with our outputs. Mediocrity isn't allowed on her watch.
But if you do your work right and she sees your perseverance as an employee, then you'll get along with her very well.

Although there would still be times where she would reprimand me, I never took them to heart because I knew that her comments would only make me a better employee. Hindi ko kasalanan kung mas inuuna pa ng iba magreklamo kaysa ayusin 'yung trabaho nila.

"May pangalawang anak na pala si Ate Ej 'no?" Ralph brings up, changing the subject. "Kakakita ko lang sa mga post noong birthday ni Iska"

"Ang bilis ng panahon, 'no? Parang kailan lang nagpapalibre pa tayo kay Ate Ej after training" I recall how we would all agree to eat out after training before returning to our dorms. Naging ka-close na rin kasi ng mga teammates ko si Ralph, kaya lagi siyang sinasama.

"E ikaw? Kailan ka?" he suddenly asked.

"Andiyaan naman si Churro e" pabirong sagot ko.

His expression didn't change. He still has a serious look on his face. "Caitlin, matagal na kitang kilala. Alam kong matagal mo nang pinapangarap na magkaroon ng sariling pamilya"

"Madami namang paraan para diyan. Na pagusapan na rin namin 'yan ni Bea" I responded seriously after noticing that he's really serious about the topic. "There's IVF and adoption, naman. Magka-anak man o hindi, okay lang. Bea's more than enough for me"

"But is it really enough for you? 'Yun ba talaga 'yung gusto mo?" he continued to ask, as if he's waiting for a different answer.

Of course it is. Bea's my family, and she's already enough for me. 

"Ralph, I know the consequences of my relationship with Bea. Matagal ko na siyang tinanggap, so you don't need to remind me" I answered, getting pissed off. I'm not liking his tone. 

Ano bang gusto niyang ipalabas?

"Sorry, Cait. Siyempre, gusto ko lang makasigurado na masaya ka sa buhay mo ngayon. I don't want you to have any regrets in the future" I could feel the sincerity in his voice, but my mood had already changed.

"Just forget about it" I wiped my mouth with a tissue before grabbing my bag. "Tara na, patapos na rin 'yung lunch break natin"