Midday Clouds - The Charlie Swan Story

Chapter 24 (New Moon 13)

I awoke to the sounds of screams.

It wasn't a new occurrence; Bells had been having nightmares ever since the fateful trip down south that had left her in a hospital bed. I darted upstairs, shaking the sleep out of my eyes and checking the time on my watch as I leaped two stairs at a time. 4 am. Bella shrieked again just as I entered her room. It looked like she was still asleep.

Shhh, shhh, shh, you're okay. You're okay. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh."

I gently shook her out of whatever horror was invading her dreams. Her eyes opened, recognized me, and then her entire body relaxed. As sad as I was to see her having such nightmares, it brought some relief that the sight of me could still have that effect on my daughter.

"I'm sorry I woke you up," she said, hiding her face in her pillow.

"Oh, it's okay. It's alright. Kind of like when you were a baby. Didn't get a lot of sleep then, either."

She sat up, breathing heavily. I noticed the dreamcatcher at the head of her bed. "I thought this thing was starting to work, but guess not."

Bells wouldn't make eye contact with me. A look of defeat, of depression, had settled on her face like a stifling shadow. It made me think back to those days on the couch with the cold pizza and the lukewarm beer. My own personal rock bottom.

"I do know what it's like, you know. When your mother left. Took you with her. That was not a good time for me. Thought about doing all kinds of crazy things just to ease the pain." I hadn't planned on telling her any of this. I hadn't thought, all those years ago, that I'd ever be in the position I'm in now, telling this teenaged version of that baby just how intimately I know the pain that absence can cause. I thought of Billy's laugh, Harry's smiling face. The way that strong and caring friendships can help to shine a light when the entire world feels so incredibly dark. I thought of the life that had been seemingly brought back into Bella's eyes after spending some time out in La Push.

"Can I ask you something? Hanging out with Jacob. That seems to take your mind off things a bit doesn't it?"

She nodded. I could sense her relax even more, either through me sharing my own vulnerability or her remembering that she still has people in her life. She still has me. She still has her friends.

"That's good. He's a good kid," I said.

"Yeah he is."

In the silence between Bells and I, I meditated on something that Rose told me in one of my first ever therapy sessions, shen the thought of chasing after Renee and Bella was at its strongest. When I actually, seriously considered abandoning my ailing parents and the town I love to go chase my fractured family to God only knows where. "Sometimes, Charlie, You need to learn to love what's good for you." She'd said. It was the first time I ever broke down into tears. It was when the healing began.

So seeing my daughter, heartbroken, crestfallen, battling with the same feeling of loss that had torn my world apart for the better part of my adult life, I tried to offer her what Rose had once offered me.

"You know, sometimes you gotta learn to love what's good for you, you know what I mean?" She stared at me, eyes firmly fixed on mine. I could see the pain in there. The worry, the confusion, the suffering. Maybe if I could just bring some light to her darkness.

"Of course, what do I know? I'm just a terminal bachelor. Famous ladies man."

A smile. I'll take that. "Okay. I'll go to bed."

"Sorry I woke you up," she offered, again.

"Don't worry about it. I love you."

She didn't say it back. But that's okay; I felt it all the same. 

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