ALEXITHYMIA ⋆ HYUNLIX

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Do you ever get this overwhelming feeling that you're just not good enough? Do you ever feel like your whole life is just a waste and there's no point in living anymore?

Sometimes I tell myself I'm the problem. And sometimes I blame everything on the people around me, even if I'm at fault.

Sometimes I feel like a burden not only to the others around me, but also to myself, cause i know that I'm holding myself back from actually living life.

Take my education for example, I spent my teenage years in my room studying instead of drinking and partying and socializing like other teenagers, all so I could leave this stupid apartment complex and never look back. Now I'm finally in a position to do that, but I regret not having fun and being a kid while I could.

Though, I never really could actually be a child. I grew up at a young age. I mean, hell, I started paying my mom's bills at 12 for fuck sake. I have always had to take my mother's responsibilities into my own account, which is one of the many reasons why I'm so eager to leave this place.

"Lix, its ji! Open up!"

Jisung. My best friend; and only friend for that matter. He lives in the apartment across from mine. Hes the only one who understands why I'm so quick to go to this university, he knows that I worked my ass off for a full ride scholarship.

"Coming!" I yell over the knocking as I rush to let jisung in.

"I came to help you finish packing! Arent you soooooo thankful you have a super helpful and caring bestfriend to help you fold clothes~" he teases as he walks in.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. I already finished packing last week."

"Jeez, are you that eager to get away from me?" he dramatically gasps.

I pat his head, "You know I couldn't live without you sung."

Jisung plops down on the mattress, "I know, I just cant fathom the fact that you won't be living here anymore."

"Dont worry sung, I'll be back for Thanksgiving break before you know it!"

"You better." he jokingly shoots me a glare before getting up and walking with me towards the door.

I take one last look around my childhood apartment;

The clothes strewn all over the dark wooden flooring, the mold growning on the ceiling as a result of a flood in the apartment above us a few months ago.

My mother's beer bottles scatters on the coffee table, year old bottles of water on the tv stand.

All of this mess, the clutter, the memories; I'm leaving it here. I've tried cleaning the small space, I've tried vacuuming, dusting, mopping, but somehow my mom and her multiple boyfriends from over the years have managed to fuck up my hard work ever. single. fucking. time.

So I just gave up; I stopped picking up after them, I just watched as the trash gradually started piling up every day.

After a while, the molding on the ceiling got so bad that I had to stay at jisung and his mom's apartment for almost a week. Thankfully, something in my mom's brain finally fucking clicked. Unfortunately, she made me clean everything up. It seemed like a good idea on her part to make a 14 year old get rid of mold on our ceiling, but then again she dropped out of high school when she was 16 so what did I expect?

;

"Alright! That's the last of it!" Jisungs mom says as she dusted her hands off and wiped the nonexistent beads of sweat from her forehead.

"You ready?" Jisung asks softly as he closed the trunk of the Taxi, to which i nod in response as I pick at the skin around my fingers.

"Hey, dont overthink it, lix. You've been working hard to go to this university since junior high. Now the opportunity is right at your fingertips, dont look back now!" he takes ahold of my hands.

I can only nod and give a small smile in response.

And he was right. I gave up my childhood so that I could leave this place. I busted my ass for a scholarship. I worked extra shifts and was balancing 3 part time jobs for 2 summers in a row just so I could afford the on-campus dorm fees; which let me tell you, that shit wasnt cheap in the slightest.

I gave my all for this opportunity; I damn sure did deserve it.

"I'll miss you so much!" Jisungs mom cried as she hugged me.

"Dont worry, I'll be back for break before you know it!"

"Make sure to call and text me everyday," Jisung says as I get into the back of the taxi, "-oh! and text me when you get to the d-"

"Sung! I'll be fine, I promise."

"O- okay. Just make sure you dont forget about me."

"I could never forget about you, you're my best friend, I love you."

"Love you too."

"Gotta go now! Bye!" I shout as I shut the car door, waving to them through the window as the taxi driver starts the car.

I shouldnt have told them I was going to be back in 5 months for thanksgiving break if I wasnt actually going to be. I know I shouldnt leave and never come back; but it's better this way.

Deep down, I know it isnt; I know I shouldnt just never speak to jisung again, but it's what I do;

I avoid expressing my feelings. Instead of telling sung and his mom that i wouldnt be back, i got their hopes up. I made them think that this was just a temporary leave.

It's just all too much for me; being near that apartment. I had to leave. I couldn't have been in there for another minute.

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