Izzy & Noah

Fifty - nine: Heart over mind

The alarm clock keeps ringing.

The sound that penetrates my ears to my brain.

For the last two days I've been feeling better, but I don't know why, what's happened to me, whether it's some kind of change in me, or in general all the past events I've been talking about have somehow started to leave my head.

I've noticed for years that I process too many things, I think too many things, that overthinking doesn't let you sleep, doesn't let you eat.

That makes this whole situation even more challenging for my mental health.

I promised myself that I would get out, that I would find a way out of my head, that I would sort out my thoughts, but the process of sorting that out is a long one, I could say it's a life plan, we're never perfect, a lot of times we react too violently to something.

But...

I have to get up.

Enough of my thoughts.

I roll my eyes and realise that my whole-body hurts, then I realise that I fell asleep on the couch with Noah.

That I've been wearing sweatpants since the day before, that I obviously haven't even had a shower.

Noah is still fast asleep, breathing deeply, apparently my watch won't wake him from his deep sleep, how I envy him for being able to sleep in the morning.

I press a kiss to his mouth, so willing and so soft, I will never tire of kissing him.

Passion was awakening in me, a desire for him, for him to take me, but I suppressed it because I would be late if I sat a little longer.

I rush to the toilet, I throw my clothes off like crazy, they're all over the place, but I'll deal with that later, I can't be late for work, I'm never late, I'm always on time, and if I was ever late, I'd spend the whole day worrying about it, how, why?

That is me.

Although, on the other hand, I have often been late for birthdays, lunches, social gatherings, interviews... never for work.

I rush to the shower to quickly rinse and foam and wash the shampoo off myself, I fly out of the shower, I brush my teeth wildly, my gums are bleeding, but I can do it, I don't have time, I'm in a hurry.

When I force myself to get dressed, put on some clothes, powder and lipstick, and brush my hair, I'm already in a hurry.

I jump into my boots, grab my coat and unlock the door wildly, and all the way to work I fly between fast walking and running, it's good that I'm close, the adrenaline in me makes me crazy warm, I don't even notice that it's zero degrees outside and that it's cold.

Out of breath, I hurry to the oncology clinic, and when I'm stamped in, the nervousness is over, I'm on time, I'm even a little early.

I think to myself.

My body is warm and it feels better than breathing with full lungs, for the first time in a long time I feel like I'm really me, can I start running?

Exercise would help my mental health, it's not the first time I've felt this way.

I hurry to the dressing room and change quickly.

Then I run into the department.

Suzy and Anna are already in the workspace.

Good morning. I say as I enter the room.

Anna and Suzy heal in unison.

The night nurse was still typing on the computer.