when love dies [akkayan]

ray of sunshine

When I finally pick up my phone, there's a slight hope lingering inside my heart. Hope that Akk called, or texted me. After how I left last night, and after I didn't show up this morning, you'd think he got worried, but there's nothing. Almost like he didn't even notice, or if he did I'm not important enough for him to care. I don't really know what's worse.

I decide to call my mom, and maybe deal with that part of the problem later. She picks up quite fast, probably because I should be in class right now, and calling her means something must have happened.

"Aye? Is everything alright dear?"

"Hi mom..." I'm still crying, I know she can hear it through the phone, I know she can notice my voice. "I need to tell you something, but I need you to let me finish before you say anything, okay?"

"Of course, baby, what's wrong?"

"I'm just scared I'll lose the courage if I stop." She doesn't say anything, but I know she's listening, my mom always listens to me. "I thought about killing myself last night mom..."

"Aye..." her voice breaks, she's crying.

"It was more than that, Ma, I went to the cliff, I think I was really gonna jump this time. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Ma, I'm sorry...."

I can't stop crying, and apologizing, there's an echo of tears, from the both of us, and the word sorry, over and over again.

"I'm not okay Ma, I don't think I've been for a while..."

And so I tell her, about Akk, about how bad it got.

"He doesn't love me anymore Ma, it's over. It's all over, and I just, it hurts so much, I just wanted everything to stop hurting Ma...Mew saved my life, Ma, he was there last night, he didn't let me jump."

"Are you safe Aye?" I'm so grateful she doesn't ask if I'm okay, I don't want to tell her I'm not, but I don't want to lie.

"I am, I'm at Mew's, I'm not doing anything I promise. I can send you the address Ma, you can come visit me when you're in town again."

"Are you staying there?"

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about. I thinkI need to get away Ma, Ineed to focus on me for a while."

A deep breath, I can hear my mom trying to clean her tears, compose herself, to help me like always.

"What do you need, son?"

"I think I'm gonna change schools, Mew says he can probably get me a place at his uni, and I can stay at his place until I find an apartment, it's not so far from our home, but far enough that..." breath in, breath out "that I won't have to see Akk, at least not for a while."

"You have no idea how happy it makes me that you want to take care of yourself baby, listen to me, you do whatever you need to get better, okay? I will send you money, and I'll sign anything you need for school or a new apartment, okay?"

"Thank you, Ma."

"You can always count on me, you know that Aye."

"I know, Ma, I love you."

"Aye..." I can feel she's trying to find words to ask me something, so I just wait. "What about your friends?"

Breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out...Thua and Kan will be so worried, but if they know where I am, they will probably show up and I don't know if I can deal with it right now.

"If Thua calls you, please tell them I'm okay and I will text him as soon as I'm ready please. I can't face them right now, it will only make me think of Akk."

"Of course baby...look I need to go now, but I will call you later and please tell Mew we need to have dinner or something, I need to thank him for saving my son."

"Of course, Ma..."

I was about to hang up, when I remembered something else.

"WAIT...would it be okay if I changed my name...I just, I wanna distance myself from the past..."

"You can do whatever you want dear, wanna know what I would've named you if now Ayan?"

"Of course."

"I chose Ayan because you were my biggest gift, but I've always thought about calling you Ray, because you were my ray of sunshine in the middle of all the bad things in my life, baby, you give light to everything around you, always have."

Ray, I think I like it, I try it out loud, and the way it rolls out of my tongue has me thinking maybe it's destiny, maybe I've been meant to be called Ray. All this time.

I thank Ma again, say goodbye, and lay on the couch again, falling asleep with the hope of a new life. A better life.

Hours later I wake up to Mew coming in, with lunch for the both of us and I can't help but smile. In the midst of everything bad, maybe I've done a lot of good too, it's the only explanation to why I Deserve to meet someone so special, so good, someone willing to help me the way Mew is.

I tell him about my talk to my mom, he tells me about university, about how I can start next week if I'm up to. We decide I will be going with him the next day, to sort out any documents I may need to, and he's gonna help me look for an apartment, preferably close to his. I also tell him about my new name.

"I like it, it suits you."

That being the only thing he says it's actually so good, how easy he accepts and is willing to call me by my new name from that point on, proves to me even more that I can trust him. Plus he didn't tell Top my name, and I didn't really introduce myself either this morning, so no one else has to know about my past unless I feel ready for it, I can just be Ray.

I can make a new life for myself.

And maybe, just maybe, being Ray will be enough this time.

➖➖➖➖➖➖➖
🖤V☆