🎀𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓐𝓶𝓪𝔃𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓓𝓲𝓰𝓲𝓽𝓪𝓵 𝓛𝓮𝓼𝓫𝓲𝓪𝓷𝓼🃏

Chapter 1.2: Spiraling thoughts

Up until now, the ragdoll had been kept going by one thing: Taking care of the others.

It made her soul flourish,even in a place as bad as the endless maze of the digital circus.

Whenever she managed to stop Gangle's sobbing, make the paranoid Kinger feel somewhat safe, get the rather reserved Zooble to be compassionate with the others, or the hardest: get Jax to open up, she felt a warm, comfy radiance where her heart used to be. It almost felt like she was really alive and had some kind of purpose. It kept her sane, occupied, almost happy.

All of this had fallen apart lately. It started with Kaufmo. For one, he had been sort of a friend or at least a good companion for her. But more importantly: She had failed him. She was unable to help him, keep him from becoming depressed and ultimately not even from abstracting. She felt guilty. For not being there for him enough, not giving him hope and supporting him as he needed. For allowing him to isolate himself, which in the digital realm wasn't good for even the most introverted.
And then there was the new girl, Pomni. She seemed like such a precious person, but her arrival was ... difficult for her, to say the least. Everybody panicked when they first arrived, sure, but Pomni went straight into a state of panic and dissociation, that she didn't seem to exit ever since, remaining on the brink of insanity and abstraction. Her state was so severe, that it couldn't be ruled out that she could pose a danger to herself. And Ragatha had tried everything to help her: talk to her, organise extra acommodations for the jester girl, shielding her from Jax's shenanigans and Caine's boldness, staying up all night just to make sure she was okay. Things had been weird between them after Pomni left Ragatha alone, but more in the sense that both of them felt guilty than blaming each other. Maybe it was ecen because Pomni was very sensitive in all the bad and the good ways possible, that Ragatha had unconsciously enclosed her in her heart, possibly already more closer than anyone else in the circus.

She wasn't enough to make anyone really feel better. And that triggered a deep and shattering emotion inside her, that ultimately made her loose control of her impulses.
Her torso started to burn, and in the digital world, that felt like real flames were consuming her. She started to sob with heavy, cramped motions. All she wanted was that pain to stop. That goddamn pain that tore her apart. She tried to hit her head woth her hands, a thing she faintly recalled doing in the real world, but since her arms were those od a doll, it didn't hurt, which just frustrated her more. Like in trance, only lead by the pain, she started to pull on the seam of a large patch she had on her upper stomach, and ripped it out in a quick, but gut-wrenching motion. Everything before her eyes turned red and she couldn't help but release a long and horrifying scream.

Author's Note: I promise next chapter I'll get into the cute wholesome lesbiabs! ;3 (misspelling intended)