this isn't that well written since it's kinda rushed but ah well- enjoy...<3
Casey
Slowly, I begin to feel myself slipping away into my old mindset.
Rotting in bed, drinking, starving myself, and ignoring my phone has become my favorite hobby, especially since it's spring break. I've shut down my family, boyfriend, and friends, not wanting anyone to bother me. I don't want anyone to see me draining away.
Somehow, my suicidal thoughts I thought I pushed away return. I can't say I'm surprised, though. I knew the bliss I felt for a couple weeks was temporary. After all, it's a cycle of mellow highs and deadly lows. And, I feel as if this is the deadliest low I can reach.
I'm falling into a pit of miserableness and the landing is killing me.
"Where are you going?"
I slide on a hoodie, not caring if it's clean or not. When I'm gone, my laundry won't matter. I'll never have to cry while struggling to gather my dirty clothes ever again. Ah, what a feeling.
"For a drive, that's all. I need to clear my head"
Camilla eyes me, seeming unconvinced by my excuse. I stand there, hoping and praying she doesn't interrogate me. I'm so close. The hardest part of this all will be leaving the house. And then, after a drive, I'll be free. Completely free. "Are you doing okay?"
I plaster on the most genuine smile I could muster, "Oh, definitely, yeah." My eyes wander around, searching for my shoes. Maybe I should dress better? Will I be buried in this outfit? Oh well, I don't need to worry about anything anymore.
"Are you sure? You've been in your room..."
I wave her concern off. "Catching up on sleep, that's all." Guilt fills my guts knowing the last conversation I'm going to have with Camilla will be full of lies. Oh, how I wish things could be different. "Sorry to worry you."
"It's okay, I'm glad you're alright." More shame slams into me, almost breaking me in half. My heart crackles, tears threatening to pool my eyes. I can't cry. I can't. Camilla picks up an object on my dresser, observing it. "This is a cool snow globe."
"Have it."
"What? Are you sure?"
"Yeah, of course."
My sister gives me a questionable look before thanking me She stares at the glitter and glass, an adoring glint in her eyes. And for a split second, I considering not leaving the house. I consider staying home with my sister, enjoying the remainder of the day, safe and sound.
However, one afternoon won't stop the strong urge to dispear from returning. Nothing will.
I follow Camilla out of my room and to hers. She places the object on her dresser, smiling like a kid on Christmas at the globe. "Hey, Cam?" She looks up and hums with a smile. And I try my absolute best to match her delighted expression. "I love you so much."
"I love you too, Casey. Drive safely."
My eyes remain on Camilla for one more second before I leave, not looking back.
Unfortunately, my grandparents aren't home. That's okay, though. I'm sure they have better things to worry about than me. And I'm sure once I'm gone, all their problems will vanish.
I wander into the kitchen, swinging open my favorite cabinet. My eyes scan over the bottles, picking the most full one. I can already feel the burn in my empty stomach. Knowing that will be one of the last sensations I'll feel excites me.
