(my pov of the poem i got sent a while back)
you lie to your heart, and i to mine
i started to write, so unsure, but desperate to tell
somebody-anybody about how you make me feel
trying to convince myself you would return
and i would hurt, trying to suppress the thought of you
i would ask myself
what have i done now, how could i have been so foolish
and i would chant and lie that everything would be perfectly fine
and then every night i would write, trying to resurrect you even just for a moment
i remember when the playful flirting turned to feeling
trying to convince myself it wasn't real
it became so real
i remember after we fell apart
the crying, the thinking, the eerie quiet
i remember silent songs and trying to forget
how hesitation dotted my heart as we tried to fix each other
then the thoughts started
trying to convince myself you never mattered
i tried to fill the gaping hole you left with anything- anyone
trying to ignore the hurt and the longing
trying to resist the way it ate at me, chewing the hole deeper
not healing, but adding more salt to the cracks you left; shattering me
then it hit me,
the denial i held on to like life support
made everything worse, ate away at me until i couldn't breathe
i tried to treat you like a doll
breaking and bending like an object
i hurt and i act like it can just be forgotten
i want to love and don't know how- and i hurt
why am i so bad at loving and so good at hurting
and now here we are
broken and hurting again
tired and cracked, like shattered porcelain
every night i remember how horrid i was
cunning and devious, to stay immovable through my care
i tried my best to fix us once we'd been swept up and thrown away
tried giving things i didn't own, and making them anew
and now you play me again and again
your songs on replay keep me up, drive me mental
because i'm sorry. i miss you. i love you.
i'm sorry i'm inconsiderate and stupid
i miss everything, the way you make me feel
the sting you left
and i love you
i have since the beginning, before i even learned to love
i want to love you properly
i'm so sorry that i am so bad and unused to loving
that i love you so much but push you away when you get close
you got so much further than close
lover, ex lover, best friend, worst enemy
whatever i do, whatever i've done- i love you
even if i never say it- never get to
i'm so sorry i've hurt you, loved you, needed you, used you
i'm so glad you still gave me a chance
i'm so sad i lost you, so glad you made it out
