It was four years ago today that I first met you. It was a snowy day. I had woken up cold and I wanted nothing else than to turn the music in my headphones to a max, sit down on the dirty couch at the very back of the store and read a good book. But that day was the last day that I would work alone in that shitty bookstore.
And so, you stumbled through the door 10 minutes late with your long legs and backpack hanging from one shoulder. You pushed over a pile of books that seamlessly fell to the floor and panted like you had just ran a marathon. Babbling about how you missed the bus.
At that very moment, I believed that I already had figured you out, that I saw right through you, read you like a book. That you weren't someone to trust. That you would come late to work and apologize a hundred more times, but never actually change. Someone that would push over so many more piles and not pick them up. You were messy, careless and annoying.
But I was wrong, I admit. Thought you were clumsy, displayed by the way you almost fell down the stairs to the basement, dropped books out of your own hands and labeled them wrong. You weren't perfect, but you picked your shit back up, did it again and did it right. You looked me in the eyes when I spoke like you really wanted to learn and do better. With them puppy eyes that made every damn costumer come back at least twice.
Even the people that were annoyed simply by your big frame and personality - soon grew to love you.
The way you joked around with both younger and older customers made you stand out. You seemed careless, fearless, there was no one that could take away your pride. You were absolutely everything everybody tried to be.
Everyone hoped to see you and not me when they walked into the store, which was understandable. Even if I tried my best, to smile more, talk more cheerfully, I guess I couldn't shake my serious demeanour. I couldn't even pretend to be like you.
The thing was, I was fine on my own, and you were- absolutely not that.
So the charming guy ended up chasing after me between the tall bookshelves. Pulling my earphones out of my ears to get my attention. Buying me ice cream and spicy rice cakes to get at least a bit of attention back. I quickly understood that you were a guy with many friends but no close ones.
I found myself studying your face in awe, from that dirty couch at the back, your admirable jawline and perfect nose, sharp eyebrows and perfectly shiny black hair.
I tried not to stare, but I think you knew. I wonder how much we drank that night. I wonder what would've happened if we didn't. Though, the way you held my hands and kissed my forehead, as if we had known each other forever. It made my knees buckle, embarrassingly so. I almost wished to wake up besides you everyday.
And so I did.
We spent our mornings on top of the white covers, passionately discussing books. You would make a totally valid remark and just smile as I once again successfully changed your perspective. The smile would show your straight teeth and you would kiss all of my arguments away.
It was like a dream come true. I dream I didn't even know I had. As we unlocked the door to our very own apartment, hand in hand. Hugging as we stood in front of the windows watching the snow fall, the place wasn't big, but it was absolutely perfect. It had a nice view of the city, from the 8th floor, I was excited to see the weather change with you. I had never been so ready to make a place my home, our home.
The bed was big and fluffy and I had never slept so peacefully as that night. In your damn arms, heart beating calmly, with a smile on my stupid face.
I started to believe that you were the damn love of my life.
It was four years ago today that I first met Mingyu, and I can't even imagine the feeling I felt. My brain is all snowy, packed to the brim with nothing but white hard frosty snow. This apartment is so eerily empty and quiet, the bed is too cold and uncomfortable. I want to throw everything out.
Have you already forgotten?
How we played those cliché songs to watch the rain. Putting the books aside to kiss on the balcony. Wet clothes sticking to hot skin, it was uncomfortable but 'nothing really mattered as long as I was with you.'
When did we turn from that to this?
You sleeping with your back turned to me,
When did I turn into a habit? A chore?
Do you think I'm weak? You're just as pathetic, imagine what our friend will think about you when they hear all about it.
How your silly smile stopped being about me.
How your stories stopped being about us.
When did you start to look beyond me, for more than me, for other than me? When did I stop being enough?
I can't believe you left me behind, Mingyu. I feel like I'm going to fucking die.
Sincerely, Wonwoo
