P R O L O G U E
I didn't see this coming.
Or maybe I did, but I didn't thought that he'd be here.
Alam ko kung paano mag-isip si Cora. Alam ko na tinotopak talaga 'yon minsan... Madalas? Palagi. Ewan!
Pero...
Hindi ko naman alam na ganito siya kabaliw.
Nakaawang ang mga labi ko habang nakatitig sa lalaking naglalakad papunta sa amin. May bitbit siyang tent bag at isang bote ng pink The Bar Gin. Nakasukbit naman sa likod niya ang isang black back pack na hula ko ay may laman na mga damit. Naka-white button down polo siya, brown shorts, at cream sandals. May nakalagay pang black summer shades sa tuktok ng ulo niya— pushing back some of his hair.
Fuck it. It's Rem!
It's really Rem!
Ilang buwan ko na siyang iniiwasan. Ilang buwan ko nang hindi sinasagot ang mga messages niya sa lahat ng social media accounts ko. Pati nga texts niya, hindi ko sinasagot. For the past months, I've been so determined to disappear from his life. I don't want anything to do with him.
Tapos, ganito lang?
Napabuntong-hininga ako. I didn't even agree to come to this beach outing in the first place. I've been too busy with my acads lately, lalo pa dahil hindi ko naman gusto ang course na napili ko. Kaso pinilit ako ni Cora at Benn. Matagal na kasi mula nang huli kaming gumala tatlo, kaya pumayag na rin ako. I actually felt betrayed nang nalaman ko na pinagkaisahan pala nila akong dalawa. Cora has Nicco, her boyfriend, while Benn is with Eliza, his current fling.
Eh, ako? Wala akong kasama. Kaya alam ko na, kanina pa, na i-se-setup ako ni Cora. She has made it her life goal to find me a boyfriend. Sabi pa nga niya, puwede na siyang mamatay kapag nagka-love life ako. Kasi naman, I've been single my whole life! Pero bakit ba niya inimbita rito si Rem?!
Binalingan ko ng tingin si Cora. Para siyang baliw kung ngumiti, halatang tuwang-tuwa sa pinlano niya. She even wiggled her eyebrows at me and gave Rem a thumbs up. God, why am I even friends with her? "Iwan na kita diyan, ha? I-accomodate mo si Rem kasi tutulungan ko pa si Nicco sa tent namin," she giddily said before leaving me on the spot.
I siphoned a sigh from the deepest part of my lungs, preparing myself for the shit that Cora got me into. Napatingin ako kay Rem na naglalakad pa rin papunta sa puwesto namin. He still stands out no matter what. Gaya ng dati, parang nag-b-blur pa rin ang paligid kapag andiyan siya. Kapag siya na, parang may auto-focus ang mata ko. Siyempre, siya na 'yan, e.
He was also staring at me. His eyes were filled with so many emotions that I could no longer name them all.
Longing.
And anger.
And fear.
"What's with him ba?" I asked myself. 'Yon na nga, e. Nasa kaniya na lahat ng gusto ko sa lalaki. Pero ayaw ko sa kaniya. Ayaw ko sa lahat ng lalaki. Period.
I've taught myself that I don't need a man in my life. That I don't need them to function. And if I ever let a man to be in my life, that's because I want him to.
I craved for him— that's fine by me.
I wanted to be with him everyday— still fine.
But when I started to malfunction just because of his absence, that's when I drew the line.
I distanced myself because... I couldn't afford to lose myself in the long run. That's too much of a gamble.
Lose yourself para lang sa isang lalaki? Shit ka ba?
I was too preoccupied with the thought of him that I didn't notice that he's already in front of me. Nagkatitigan kami. Walang nagsalita. Masyado ring mataas ang pride ko kaya hindi ko man lang siya binati.
"Joe," he said. Remian uttering my name felt like torture to me. Not because I don't like my name, but because I don't like the fact that I like it when he says it like that. Joe to him always meant something more.
"Why are you here ba?" irita kong tanong, not even trying to hide the fact na ayaw ko siyang makita rito, o kahit saan pa 'yan. Oo nga. Bakit ba nandito siya? Hindi niya ba feel na ayaw ko nga siyang makita? I would've texted him myself if I wanted him here, but I didn't.
"Cora invited me. And I just miss hanging out with you, guys." I don't buy it. I wasn't even his original friend in our friend group. Wasn't even Cora. Nagkataon lang na pareho sila ni Cora ng political stance kaya naging malapit silang magkaibigan. After their first interaction, hindi na sila naghiwalay.
Ako nga, hindi alam ng mga kaibigan ko na may something sa amin. I didn't even tell Diego, who's been my closest friend since eighth grade. But I bet he spilled shit to Cora. Of course, he did. Cora wouldn't even acted like that if it was for nothing.
I sighed again. Kainis. Nakakaputangina. I came here to relax, not to be bothered by his existence.
"For the record, I didn't want you here," I said, trying to be as maldita as possible. "I wouldn't have come if I knew you we're going to be here." If hurting his feelings is the only way to drive him out of my life, then so be it.
He was obviously taken aback by what I said, but he immediately gained his composure back. He stared at me. I couldn't read his eyes. He was just trying to mask himself.
"That's okay, Joe. I didn't come for you," he said before walking past me.
Naestatwa ako sa kinatatayuan ko. Tangina ba siya? How dare he say that to my face? After he begged to see me for months, gaganiyan siya?
"Please, Joe, kahit ten minutes lang, makita lang kita."
"Joe, please, I just want to see you."
"What do you want me to do, Joe? Tell me. Gusto lang kitang makita, please."
Gago ba siya?
I hate him.
So fucking much.
No one does that to Joe Grande Arellego without any repercussion.
Definitely not Remian Luis Luna.
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