Sister Envy: Three Generations In The Balance

INVISIBLE - 1

Ever since I can remember, I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be a beautiful girl like my sister. Don’t get me wrong, I love my sister dearly, but when I look at her, I can’t help but feel a pang of envy deep within my heart.

She is everything I am not, graceful, poised, and effortlessly elegant. Her personality shines like a radiant light, attracting people to her like bees to honey. She's mom's sweetheart, daddy's princess and she can do no wrong. I, on the other hand, am an awkward and gangly boy, with lanky limbs and a face that people often overlook. I often feel like I’m fading into the background, invisible to the world around me. Most times I feel as even my own parents don't even see me.

Unlike my sister, my wardrobe consisted of frayed jeans, faded t-shirts, and worn-out sneakers. I had always yearned for a chance to experience the world through her eyes, even if just for a fleeting moment. It wasn't just the clothes that fascinated me; it was her whole aura, the way she carried herself with poise and confidence. In my adolescence, I often dreamed of slipping into her shoes, quite literally.

My desire to embark on this unusual adventure intensified when I witnessed the exceptional bond she shared with our father. While I had always longed for a deep connection with him, it seemed as though she easily captured his attention and admiration. Their conversations were filled with laughter, intellectual debates, and shared interests. I often felt like a mere observer, yearning for that same cherished relationship.

My days are filled with daydreams, where I escape into the fantasy world of my imagination. A world that allows me to be the girl I'd love to be. In my mind, I am no longer the awkward boy, but a beautiful girl who commands attention wherever she goes. I walk with a confident sway, my hair flowing in the wind, I am outgoing, confident, and the world seems to bow before me. It is in these daydreams that I feel alive, where I feel like the best version of myself.

As I grow older, the divide between reality and my imagination becomes harder to ignore. The world around me starts to take notice of girls, while boys like me are left behind, discarded in the shadows. I yearn to be seen and admired, to have that aura of beauty and femininity that my sister possesses so effortlessly. The desire within me intensifies, consuming my thoughts as I wonder what life would have been like had I been born a beautiful girl.

This year, my desire has consumed me to a point I have begun to steal moments away in my sister’s room, sneaking into her wardrobe and admiring the delicate dresses and flirty skirts that hang there. I hold them up against myself, imagining the way they would flatter my curves if I had them.

The soft fabrics brush against my skin, as if whispering sweetly about the life I could have had, if only I had won the birth lottery. It is in these stolen moments that I can almost taste the freedom I long for.

But reality always comes crashing down, reminding me of the body I am trapped in. My voice cracks and stumbles, my shoulders hunch forward in a desperate attempt to hide my insecurities. I look at myself in the mirror, my eyes filled with longing and despair. The torment of being trapped in a body that doesn’t match the person I dream of being is an indescribable pain.

My sister is oblivious to the torment I endure, just as she is oblivious to the bond we could have shared if I had only been born a girl like she was. She goes about her life, blissfully unaware of the tears I shed in secret, of the dreams I hold so close to my heart. I envy her ability to be who she is without question, without doubt.

But I know, deep down, that I cannot live in my fantasies forever. I cannot escape the reality of the body I was given. All I can do is find the strength to accept who I am, and perhaps, one day, find a way to express the girl that lies within me. Until then, I will continue to journey into my imagination, cherishing the moments where I become the girl I long to be.