Sister Envy: Three Generations In The Balance

DECISION - 2

As the seasons changed and Halloween approached, my yearning to experience life as my sister escalated to a point where I could no longer contain it. The desire to know what it would be like to be her consumed my every thought, drowning out reason and logic.

And so, with an excitement welling up inside me, mixed with a little trepidation, I made a decision that would end up forever changing the course of my life.

That fateful Halloween,  as darkness came near to cloaking the streets and the moon waited to illuminate the world with an eerie glow, I found myself no longer able to resist the allure of what I was about to do.

Overcome with anticipation, I found myself standing in front of my sister's room. I took a deep breath as a chil of fear washed over me, my heart pounding so loudly that I was sure the whole world could hear it.

With trembling hands, I entered and carefully selected a dress from her wardrobe. Its soft fabric a whisper of a seductive dream against my fingertips.

Dad and mom was going to an adult party at one of dad coworkers houses and my sister was "at a friend's house watching scary movies," which meant she was actually off with her boyfriend, basking in his undivided attention as he worshiped her perfect, naked body with his hands and other body parts, which shall not be named.

Safely alone, I, without hesitation undressed from my boyish clothes and slipped into the delicate fabric, relishing in the way it clung to my body and accentuated curves that I had always longed for. My heart soared as I looked at my reflection in the mirror, for the first time seeing a distant facsimile of person I had always longed to be. With every swipe of the makeup brush, every click of the heels, every swish of the skirt across my legs as I moved about the room, I felt the weight lifting off my shoulders.

In my sister's high heels, I took hesitant, awkward steps towards the outside world, my nerves threatening to overtake me. But the night held the promise of an air of acceptance, as if the universe granted me this one wish, this one night to truly experience a couple hours as the girl I had always dreamed of becoming.

And so, bolstered by this newfound courage, I cautiously ventured out the front door and into the moonlight, my heart pounding with anticipation.

As I roamed the streets, surrounded by many other costumed revelers, I couldn't help but feel a sense of liberation. The weight of my secret was lifted, replaced by a feeling of wholeness and the seductive lure of an abscence of the burdens of masculinity. The world around me suddenly seemed more vibrant, as if in acknowledging my desires, I was finally able to see vibrant colors, a break in the light blocking clouds that caused my life to consist of only drab shades of gray.

But as the night drew to a close, and the streets became bare, the reality of my situation dawned upon me. Halloween was coming to an end, and I would have to remove the clothes, the heels, and the makeup that had allowed me to temporarily escape my reality. I would have to go back to my life as the awkward, gangly boy, forever yearning for a life of full vibrant color that felt just out of reach.

As Halloween night faded into memory, I stood in front of the mirror once again, tears streaming down my face. The joy and freedom I had experienced in those few hours would forever be etched in my heart. Yet, I knew that I couldn't continue down this path of secrecy and longing. I had to face my reality head-on and find a way to embrace my dream, no matter how difficult it may be.

And so, with a renewed determination, I wiped away my tears and made a promise to myself. I would seek out support, find allies who could help me navigate the journey of self-acceptance. Each step forward would be challenging, but each step would bring me closer to the person I needed to be, to a life where I could finally embody the beauty and grace I so desperately craved.

The Halloween night had taught me that the longing within me was not just a fantasy, but a genuine part of who I am. It was time to uncover the girl within, to let her bloom in the light of love,understanding and acceptance. And in that process, I hoped to bridge the gap that had always existed between my sister and me, not as rivals burdened by envy, but as kindred spirits, bound by a shared strength and feminine power.