More Than a Teacher - Ashton Irwin

65

For the first time in my life, I am being professionally treated for not only what has just occurred but also the deep wounds that had never closed from years upon years of abuse.

The past three days I've seen specialists, doctors and multiple different nurses have been in and out of my room.

I had some more tests done, physical ones like blood tests and gathering my height and weight stats and mental ones like screening me for anxiety and depression as well as PTSD. The one thing I always denied having even though Ashton persisted I did.

All of which returned bad yet expected results.
For my height and age, I had fallen further underweight. I was making such good progress but as soon as Ashton went missing, I went down hill again. Because my blood test showed so many nutrient deficiencies and the fact I'm still refusing to eat, the nurses have no choice other than to put a feeding tube down my nostril and into my stomach. I'm being fed a formula kept in a bag on my IV pole next to my saline bag giving me fluids in my arm. The small tube stuck to my cheek with tape and hooked up to the pole feels incredibly restraining. I'm trapped in this bed, it's so hard to even go to the bathroom without feeling like my IV will rip my vein out or my gag reflex is activated because I slightly yanked the tube.

Because of the results I've shown through the mental health screening, Kat the psychologist has been visiting me every morning and every night and I'm encouraged to call her whenever I need. I'm stubborn though, so there's been a couple times during the last few days where I've been thinking unhealthy thoughts but refused to push the bell button on my bed remote.

I'm dealing with vivid flashbacks of my whole entire life, not just Ashton's helpless hazel eyes and the gunshot echoing painfully though my ears.

Kat walked in on me the other night sitting up with criss cross legs on my bed, staring at the wall with heavy breathing. I was completely disoriented with the thought of crimson blood staining Ashton's face as he told me he loved me. It was clouding my mind and disengaging me from reality. I couldn't stop thinking about the blood rushing from his nose and the helplessness he showed.

The blood, his fearful eyes, more blood, his blood.

It was everywhere, thickly dripping down into his button up.

I thought about the gunshot I heard, now twisting my brain into thinking that I saw the solid bullet pushing into his forehead. His skull splitting instantly, his eyes rolling back so they were never to be seen again and the blood trickling down his face as his lifeless head rolled back.

At this point, the nurses had taken the dressings off my scraped knees and elbows so that they'd dry out, but as soon as Kat was able to break me out of my intense visual, I glanced down to my knees, the dried blood had me clenching onto her wrists, crying out in terror.

I described what I saw to Kat once I had calmed down and she immediately asked me a few questions and used her knowledge on what reactions she had seen physically. Right then and there she diagnosed me with PTSD and ordered that my grazes aren't uncovered until they were healed as I am extremely sensitive to blood right
now.

Being forced inside these white walls, I've let go of everything I've ever bottled up inside. More than I could ever imagine. I've had to speak to more people than just Kat. None of them I've ever met before which made it challenging to open up quickly. But I knew that's what I had to do to get justice for Ashton.

I will fight until I see punishment served. Even if that means I have to sacrifice my own life. I've caused this so it's my job to clean it up.

Two policemen visited me yesterday to question me for evidence and to gain insight on this situation from my perspective. After I told them everything, I could tell it all made more sense in their head. I didn't leave anything out. I recalled every detail about Mr Parker and his evil actions and words towards me. Even the fact he admitted he's my father and that the person I thought was my father was in fact my uncle. And I didn't forget the whole past with Dean and my mother.