𝗖𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗲 𝙢𝙚 - 𝐏𝐨𝐥𝐲 𝐁𝐋

𝒕𝒆𝒏, 𝒊𝒎 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒅𝒊𝒔𝒈𝒖𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈

Ellis

The rain drizzled from the sky, and all of our heads were soaked.

Elijah smiled before grabbing our hands and dragging us to the playground. I felt my heart beat racing, but soon I felt Tobias intertwine our fingers. And could have sworn I felt his thumb I caress my hand.

"Slide." Elijah demanded and I rolled my eyes before pulling his hood over his head. And Tobias pulled his own up simultaneously.

And I didn't have a hoodie or a jacket on, I only had at sweat shirt on, so I was going to catch a cold for sure.

"What about you? Your gonna catch a cold." Elijah tilted his head with concern.

"I'll manage."

"We can go home, I don't want you to get sick because of us." Tobias added in, tightening his grip on my hand.

They both looked at me with concern, my cardiac muscle was going jump out my chest. I don't know why, but I like that they're worried about me. I don't think many people have worried about me, especially about as simple things like a common cold.

People usually worry about my grades, or how I performed in things. Especially my parents. They don't worry about my mental health necessary, they think mental health is just a way to get sympathy for others. So crying isn't something my parents let me do often. No matter how much I say I'm not looking for attention.

Why do I want to cry? Is it because they're actually worried about me? Or is it because my parents don't worry about me enough? Maybe it's because I like feeling worried about, and I'm crying tears of joy?

"Thank you." Tears fall down my face.

"Are you crying?" Said Tobias as he analyze my face.

"It's probably the the rain." I aimlessly chuckle.

The two look at each other with slightly concerned faces before looking at me.

"I'm fine... really." I admit softly, they were about to let it go then I sneezed, and I knew we weren't gonna stay.

"You're fine?" Said Elijah with sarcasm lacing his tone.

"How about we go back to my house?" Tobias suggested. "I have extra clothes I think you two can fit in."

I feel bad now, we just got here and now we have to leave just because I'm catching a cold.

"Fine with me, I'm starting to get cold anyways." Elijah states with a sigh of relief. Tobias nods and leads off. Now that I think about it they're both holding my hand. Tobias holding my right hand and Elijah holding my left.

They burst into conversation casually, their hands still in mine, not to mention Elijah swinging our hands like a child holding hands with their mom. But I enjoyed it, which ended in me swinging along with him.

After a while of walking, we eventually made it back to Tobias's Aunt home. He took out his key and unlocked the door, letting us both through. I let go of their hands and stood by the door awkwardly, and Elijah does the same.

"You guys are so fucking nervous, come on!" Tobias had rolled his eyes running up the stairs, hesitantly I did the same, and Elijah followed behind.

We made it to Tobias's room and closed the door behind us. "Calm down ok? If my aunt says anything to you guys, I'll deal with it.
Anyways, who's getting in first?" He asks, going to his dresser and pulling out clothes. "They might be a bit big, but eh."

"I'm getting in first, since I'm the most soaked." I declared, going over to Tobias and grabbing the clothes.

"You specifically said, 'Ill manage'. That's not our fault." Elijah rolled his eyes, and I sent a quick middle finger his way. And returned it with another middle finger.

"Ok, I'll show you where the bathroom is." Tobias leads me to the bathroom and shows me how to use it, in which I tell him I know how to use a shower.

"Alright, don't drown in here." He shuts the door. I sigh before sliding my soaked clothes off my body until I have nothing on. Looking at myself in the mirror, I take a breath. A breath of relaxation? Relief? I don't know.

Sometimes it's hard to look at myself in the mirror. I've been complement on my look every once in a while, but when you have parents that tell you that you look like shit everyday, you start to question if you actually look like shit.

Lately I've been noticing things I don't like about myself. First off, my dimples when I smile. Or my Adams apple. Not to mention my veiny arms.
Especially my veiny arms. I hate them.

I look at my wrist, and see my damn veins pop out. I know it's normal, but I don't like it. I've been told countless times that it looks disgusting, that I... look disgusting. Do I look disgusting?

I definitely do.

"You ok in there Ellis?"

I realized that I've been breathing heavily, and unsteady.

"Um, yea! Just trying to turn on this shower." I say with a cackle following.

"I tried to help you." I could hear his rolled through the door. "Do you need-"

I turned on the shower, "Nope, I finally got it. Thank you though."

"No problem." I heard his footsteps fade into his room.

I let out another sigh, this one full of relief. I turned and step in the shower, letting the warm water hit me. Which felt good, since I was kinda freezing from the cold rain water.

I looked at the water fall down my clotheless body.

Is it weird sometimes I can't look at my body. I mean without judging myself. But other times, I look at myself like I'm gold. Like I'm something to be treasured.

Am I someone who deserves to be treasured? Sometimes.

I don't know when I started to question myself so much. Maybe when I was 11, or 12. When I realized looks matter in this world. It was in 7th grade for sure.

Everyone around me was getting girlfriends and boyfriends. When I asked a girl out she rejected me and told me how disgusting I looked. After that I never wanted to like anyone, not saying I didn't like anyone after that.

But I'm not disgusting, I think.