Till the End

chapter 6

Rayan

It's 6:15 and I cannot wait for it to be 7:30. I know this is dangerous. But am I willing to take the risk? I don't know. I guess tonight will be the answer. I feel so guilty for never reaching out to her after I graduated.

Aarya may not have been the one, but she was very special to me. She broke me, but I don't hate her. She made me question my worth, but I don't hate her. She made me question every decision I took in life, but I don't hate her. am I wrong about it? I do not know what to do when it comes to love, but maybe one day, a special someone will come along and change my mind.  

or not

"I'm yours Rayan, I will always love you." lies, lies, and only lies.

Love feels like a beautiful facade, masking the pain and heartache that lies beneath.

Maya

I sat in my car and drove to my mom's farmhouse. This is going to be a rollercoaster of emotions.

It's not like I hate my mom, but I don't love her either. I feel like she's a hell of a love bomber. 

Growing up I always felt like I was a prisoner, but on parole.

 Always being monitored, always being expected to be on their best behaviour.

 I always wanted to rekindle my relationship with my mother. I was envious of people who had healthy relationships with their moms. I longed to have a relationship in which I wanted to have someone to call up when I had a bad day at work.  I longed to have someone in my life who knows every flaw, every quality, every phase, every achievement, every failure.  At the end of the day, it is what it is.

"Hey my amazing daughter" Here we go, Stage 1- Love bombing

''Hi Mom" I passed a fake smile

"Oh my god, you have gotten prettier. Come on, we all know where you get it from" she said while smirking. Here we go again.

"Stop it, you saw me like what? A month ago?" I said humorously

"What? Can't I admire my daughter for once?"

"Okay" I agreed as if I had any other choice

After a good 13 minutes of peace and silence she had to speak up again. "Well, any boys in mind?" Stage 2- Act interested in my life

"Mom you know me well enough to know that I'm not into that stuff anymore. I'll tell you when the time is right." or maybe not because I'm sick of acting like everything is okay.

"Just know that you're young and these are your years, make them count. Look at your friends, almost all of them are in serious relationships. Don't you want me to see my daughter sharing her happiness with someone else?" Stages 4 and 5- Comparison and telling me I'm doing everything wrong.

The words that once able to that once consumed me have lost all their power. Is it growth? Is it acceptance? Or is it both? It's almost as though I'm judging myself from an outsider's perspective, trying to read myself and failing

"Yeah. I know" I said and I passed another flat smile

My mom had stopped talking which, then again surprised me, and the whole garden was engulfed in silence. The silence was then fulfilled by my thoughts. The cute tiny flowers suffered my wrath as I released all of my anger on them. I checked the time on my phone and it was 7. Shit. Don't tell me I will be late. I mean it's me we're talking about but still.

The farmhouse is an hour away from the city and I need to change. I guess I'll have to unravel another box of memories.

"Mom do you still have to clothes I left here, the ones I brought with me as emergency clothes" I asked