Just depressing thoughts

Part 2

The ability to keep myself from feeling like the world is going to end tomorrow is slowly failing. The need to be alive but not want to is a never ending battle with myself. I don't know how I'm going to live with the things done to me. It doesn't feel like ill ever get over it. Some days I can't stop myself from fading in and out. I feel like I'm not really living and all of this is just some telling dream, like everything is fake, like nothing is real. The days drag on but I feel stuck in time. I'm watching people go through their lives one day at a time but I can't even associate the difference between yesterday and tomorrow, everyday is the same to me. I'm stuck floating through life. Some days I don't even feel as if I've awoken. Why? Is the question constantly running through my head. Why? To everything and everyone. What is the lesson in this pain? Cause quite frankly there doesn't seem to be one. How am I going to bounce back from this? Cause I feel like I'm drowning from the betrayals to the expectations to still be doing ok and keeping up with school. I'm stressed to the max and constantly feel overwhelmed in every situation. WHEN WILL THIS NIGHTMARE END?

Even when I'm happy, I feel like the world is raging against me. Like my issues are a wave crashing against me int he middle of a hurricane. I feel the world has flipped upside down. Sometimes the laugh seem to good to be real, I feel like eventually everything is going to leave like a leaf leaving its tree come fall. Every time I have to talk about everything going on I feel lie I'm going to vomit.

You were my best friend, my sister, my support, my partner in crime. So why did you abandon me like a stray puppy on the side of the road with no where to go. You were my home, my safe place, so where are you now? Why did you leave during the worst point in my life?

Does anyone actually want to be my friend or am I that disposable?

"Everyone leaves eventually" that's what I keep saying to myself so why does it still hurt when someone leaves?

I want to be happy! Why? Why can't I have that? Why can't I catch a break to heal?

Why? It still echoes through my head even when I come up with no answer, even when it seem I will never get one.

Gravity holds me to the ground but I feel like I'm floating through space, slowly suffocating, dieing with no one to save me.

It sucks to know that I will never have the life I wanted, I will never get the dreams I wanted to achieve with them. I won't be able to experience the things I wanted with them by my side.

Why? Why do I still love them? I should hate them for what they did to me but I still love them and for what reason? My heart falls apart when I remember all the good memories we shared, the moments I will never get with them ever again. I loved them and forgave them for everything they had done in the past just to get hurt again!?

Why? Why would they do something like this to me!? An ELEVEN, TWELVE, THIRTEEN, and SIXTEEN year old girl who just needed and needs a father for once in her god damn life, someone she could mean on when a boy broke her heart, a father who would help her get through college when she got homesick, NOT a father who broke her heart in a way no person should ever have to go through, NOT a father who who forced her their daughter to cling to those who would hurt her more, NOT a father that abandoned his daughter when she needs them the most in the moment.

why does it feel like this time I won't be able to walk again? Like I won't be able to be the same again? I'm so afraid to lose myself, I'm afraid that no one will ever treat me right, like the world just hates me. But I have mom and bugs and sis, but for some reason I don't feel like they will ever be able to fill the whole in my heart?

I'm lost, stuck, in pain, drained, done...everyone leaves eventually right? No one stays permanently? God I'm so screwed up, I can't fathom even being able to stay with a person for years and still being in love. I can't handle the fact that I will one day be alone in the world.

I feel like a star slowly dieing, like the life is slowly drawing out of me. I feel like I'm going to either explode or collapse on myself. I know I have people who care about me but why does it still feel like I'm fighting this by myself? I have to many thoughts to even grasp a hold of just one. They slip through my mind like ice skaters sliding across ice. My heart feels like sand slipping through my fingers and there's to many pieces to be able to glue it back together.

Why do the good time always come to an end? I know I'm not perfect and I've made mistakes but everyone makes mistakes so why does it feel like I'm being punished for something?

"I have no regrets in meeting you, friend. Should the day come that we are not together, you will continue to shine like gold in my memories"

I feel hopeless
I feel abandoned
I feel like a stray with no home
I feel like a lone wolf running through a dense forest trying to find my pack, my family but I'm so lost, my sense are blocked and I can't find anyone. I just keep running in circle over and over.