Till the End

chapter 7

Maya

Why did I kiss him?

I surprised myself with that action. It surely did hit my head but, I actually did that? When did I become so bold? And that is just downright wrong since he has a girlfriend.

I think i had too much wine. 

Oh but I long to preserve that moment in my heart and forever live in it. My heart aches for him, and I wish he would be forever mine. Though I know deep down that we cannot be together, it is moments like these that fill my heart with false hope and make me wonder about what could have been. He made me smile, a smile that I had thought was lost, a smile that I had missed for the last 3 years. He brought it back to me, and I felt like the Maya I used to be. I felt like myself again. Once again, The Rayan Effect.

Will I get attached? Yes.

Am I willing to risk it? No.

Will I be able to stop myself? Also, no.

I texted Amara, asking her to go to the gym tomorrow. It was something dear to me. Going to the gym with Amara brings back some memories which are very dear to me. And some which aren't.

Ira. It reminds me of Ira.

The memories of her are like whispers, fading away slowly and painfully. The sound of her laughter, once so clear and imprinted on my mind, now feels like a distant echo. Sometimes, I wonder if she's slowly slipping away from me, and that makes me feel guilty. 

But then, I feel her presence around me, in every memory, in every beat of my heart. It's a strange feeling, that I can't quite explain. 

But, I know that she's always with me, in a way that I can't comprehend.

I miss her, but I also know that she's never truly gone. She lives on, in my heart, in my memories. It's a paradox that I cannot explain, but I know for a fact that I will miss her forever and ever.

Thinking about Ira always makes my eyes teary. Ira is forever going to be a part of what made me, me. She was everything someone could ever want and more. But somehow that wasn't enough.

I stopped sulking. Ira wouldn't like this. If she were here she would beat my ass and tell me to shut up and dwell in the memories of tonight. I am happy, even the word happy feels like a lie. I don't know if it is just the butterflies still brewing in my stomach or is it that this is all just a dream or if is it the reality.

I should be happy right? A dinner with Rayan. He's not gonna go anywhere. I will see him every day for the next few months. Him and his team need to stay in my office building. 

Someone pinch me. Please

Even thought of this makes my cheeks the darkest shade of red. For the first time, in so long. The days that I relived, over and over again. Would change. Even if it is just for a little while, I'm scared and no matter how much longer I can lie to myself. I feel like the more I stay with him, the more I lose myself in the dreary desert sand of pure misery.

I still remember his favourite song. I feel a piece of him in every love song I hear.

Will I ever love someone more than him? I know he will never be the one, but I so badly want him to. I can't have him, but I so want to. He brought back me tonight, he filled a void in my life and he brought back my smile tonight, but isn't this all momentary?

Everything will be gone the moment he walks out of my office, it'll be like he's walking out of my life all over again. It scares me because I feel I should make these days count, just like I thought 8 years ago. He matters to me, more than he should.

But do I? If I leave, will he feel a void in his life?

He was blinded when Aarya came into his life. I couldn't blame him. She was beautiful, kind, smart and better than me. And I will not blame him for falling for her. But the way he answered my question made me wonder, what is it that she did to him?

Rayan seemed different tonight. It felt like he was reserved and less vulnerable than he used to be, not the always joking Rayan. 

I want to know everything about him, every inch of him, but is it me who's paranoid because of how my life's been, is it me who's overthinking and reading into it too much or am i right? I have no idea. Let it stay that way for now.

Amara called and I picked it up,

"Are you sure, I mean I would love to. But are you sure?" she said, and shit well, her question was justified, I mean I am sensitive, but it's not too late to dive into some habits that used to be fun right?

"Yes, a million per cent sure," I replied

"Okay, someone is changing. oooh is it because of him?" Well she was right, it was partially because of him, and I remembered that I didn't tell her about this dinner and the events that followed, for which she will be mad at me for not telling her but she will come around.

"Shut up." I said, blushing in a way i do not want to. 

"Alright, bye babe, love you" she said in her baby-ish voice which made me smile

"Oh wait, i don't have a gym membership, i mostly work out at home. Do you think we could go to your gym tomorrow?"

"Of course is that even a question?" she said, 

"thank you so much," i said falling onto my bed,

"you're welcome, goodnight. i love you," she said, 

"byee, i love you more" i said and before she could start the "no me more game" I hung up, laughing and smiling at her angry text messages.

I slipped off my shoes and changed into comfortable clothes.

 But as I went through my skincare routine, my thoughts kept drifting back to Rayan. The mere thought of seeing him tomorrow made me stupidly smile. I knew it was foolish to think of him that way. 

So, I pushed the silly thoughts aside and reminded myself that it was best to keep things professional. Finally, I crawled into bed, my head full of false hopes knowing it would break me apart even more. I let those thoughts in, I let them in and consume me until there was none of me left and I drifted off to one peaceful sleep, and for a long time in a while, without crying myself to sleep.

heyyy loviessss, short chapter but it gives insight into Maya's life and I feel like it was necessary to know a little bit more about them, so here it is. The next chapter is going to be Rayan's version of this plus some office stuff which is gonna make u guys giggle and shit.

follow @kamxrawrts on Instagram for spoilers and stuff like thattt

love you lil cupcakesssss

<3333