My Depression And Anxiety

feeling lonely

I've always been a loner. I know how to make friends but sometimes I enjoy staying by myself. While attending high school I was the outspoken type but not the outdoor type ,I had  friends  but they weren't my actual best friends but we got along until I met a girl in my neighborhood that was realated to my sister, we've been best friends for 3 to 4 years.
    Because of my new best friend I started to go out and enjoy life a little but still I always feel like parts of me were missing.
Normally people say things that make me feel sad deep down but I'm the type of girl that always put a smile on her face.
I try not to show my emotional because I've always been very emotional. some time my anxiety gets worse and I start to feel depressed.
I don't even know the true definition of happiness anymore the only time I usually feel some form of happiness is when I'm around my child or my baby father.
Sometimes I feel like my baby father and best friend keeps pushing me away only if they knew that being around Dem increase my happiness a bit.
Sometimes I feel like I'm being pressured by   family, and I can't reason with my best friend because caz she does not know how to support me ,she doesn't understand how I feel exactly....some night I sit up until 3am in the morning crying my eyes out because I'm tired of feeling this way.
I'm tired of myself
Im tired of how people treats me
I'm tired of wanting to be a different version of myself
I'm trying hard to be this person I'm not
People do understand that am a jovial person
I enjoy making people smile but no one can  make me smile because I'm always having these mixed emotions and I'm sick an tired of feeling this way.
I am not perfect,but I try to be a good person.
My mind is always all over the place
Sometimes I don't even know what I want in this future but all I want to know is that my child is happy and I can provide for her needs.