With Love

Chapter 4: trying to undo

Israh remembered Aneesa night and day, missed her terribly-- so terribly that she wanted to go out and seek her, to search for her in every corner of the world, to be assured that she was still well and alive.

Of course, she despised her too. All that pain she saw her parents go through, those tears and those frustrations, those unbearable silences and sicknesses that plagued this house. Everything had gone downhill after her departure, as if she had been a magnet they were all unaware of, and the moment she was gone, there was no more attachment between the family anymore.

Israh had been forbidden from several desires and pleasures of life, of youth because of Aneesa. No going anywhere without a relative, not taking a breath near another man, not stepping too close, no looking anywhere that could cause a scandal, no disobeying unless she wanted to hurt, or be taunted that she was just like her sister. She was not to have her life of her own, and that was something that she knew too well, but her family did not realize.

At the surface, she hadn't been restricted that much. She could still go to university and pursue an education, she could find a job and work and chase a career she liked, and she could go out whenever necessary.

But it was the little things, noticeable only if looked at deeply enough. It was the frowning when seeing a study group chat on the phone that just inevitably always had men, and it was the working but never in a very men-oriented environment because that could lead to temptation and Israh was a woman who had 'no control' upon herself, and she was too weak and vulnerable to manipulations, and she was...'reckless'.

She could go out, but never alone, never to breathe for a while on her own without an elder's supervision, because she might just breathe a certain way and a faceless man may get obsessed, and whatever little dignity her parents still had left could be stolen again.

After Aneesa, Israh's life was centred around her ability to remain chaste, but most of all, it was about the men. There was no other talk.

Aneesa's shameful actions became a burden for her brother Jamaal, a burden that just added to the million other anxieties accumulated in his wounded mind. His insecurities and fears were now amplified, and they manifested themselves in his rampant, uncontrollable anger, and his inability to seek help. He threw plates and crushed hearts, injured himself and his wife, expected understanding and love while giving none of it back. He was far from the man that he was today. He used to be kind and loving and helpful, and he'd do anything to make sure the people around were never uncomfortable. Today, everyone feared him and loved him a little less.

Because that was what being hurt did to people. It turned them cold.

But Israh was tired of pretending she was fine, of hoping uselessly that everything would be fine, that her family could ever become whole again, that Aneesa might return.

She was not surprised to see her brother marching through the front door, red and angry, but she was definitely tired.

"You guys don't even think of telling me that someone's here for Israh? Do I not hold even this much value in your lives, that you don't even think of telling me of something so big?"

"Jamaal, calm down." Sikander called him, sitting down on the couch, the coffee table still bearing the dishes and leftover food from earlier.

"Calm down?!" Baffled, he turned to his mother. Sidra reached her hand to his arm in reassurance, but he flinched away. "Amma! I'm the eldest son of this family. Just because I'm going through a hard phase, and I'm not earning much, it doesn't mean I'm any less important does it? I should know these things. I should be here!"

"Jamaal-"

"It's not a big deal Jamaal. We haven't confirmed anything." Sikander spoke, the tightness of his jaw and the flames in his eyes beginning to indicate the direction this conversation would soon go into, if not handled with the utmost care.