With Love

Chapter 9: pride and glee

Inspiring. Israh didn't know whether she could ever be someone inspiring, but she could be gentle and supportive.

But then again, he didn't really say anything substantial, about jobs and finances and kids. While everything he did say was appreciated and respectable, there were far more important things to worry about when it came to building and maintaining a marriage.

"Let's do twenty questions."

He looked slightly bewildered, but hummed in assent nonetheless as he leaned against the wall and watched her. Thank god for the darkness and all the embarrassment it concealed, she thought.

"Okay, ehm...what do you think about me working after marriage?"

He shrugged nonchalantly. "I earn enough, but if you want to work then who am I to stop you?"

Wasn't that what her own brother had told his wife before too? Later, he changed his mind and kept her at home instead.

"My turn?" He asked. She nodded. "What do you think about living with my parents?"

That was a relatively simple answer. She was a family person. Not too much, but enough. "I don't mind. As long as we can have our own privacy."

She had to look away when he smiled because how could someone's mere smile be so...enchanting?!

"How...soon do you wanna have kids?" It felt awkward and weird to ask him something like this, something so intimate and personal when they didn't even know each other that well yet. Israh though wasn't keen on having children so soon after marriage. She wanted to get to know him better, to be comfortable around him before any more responsibility was thrown their way.

He took a moment to reply. "I'm willing to wait. No rush."

That was also probably something all men said to appease the women, and then later, like it happened with Aneesa, the woman became a mere child-producing machine and nothing more.

Israh didn't even know why she was asking all these questions, what she was expecting from him at this point. No matter what he said, she'd doubted that she'd be completely satisfied with his responses. Everything was a risk at this moment. Marriage was a risk, and she wasn't sure whether she was willing to take it or not.

She heard him sigh beside her, before he uncrossed his arms and instead put his hands into his pants' pockets, as he looked up at the peeking moon again.

"Do you think it matters?" She suddenly asked. He looked at her, askew and she just shrugged nonchalantly, as she hugged herself. "The past. Do you think it matters?"

"Depends, I guess. Sometimes."

"When does it matter?"

She wondered whether ammi or abbu had ever mentioned Aneesa to this new family, or whether they'd met Jamal bhai. She wondered whether Asad's impressions about her and her family would change, whether uncle and aunty would withdraw and refuse this rishta, whether Aneesa's notorious reputation would be hers by simple association, whether bhai's failure to work would be deemed her failure too, whether her parents' lack of progress in terms of success throughout their life, would be deemed her inability to succeed.

She shivered at the thought of such things happening, of being seen as a lesser person. She didn't want to be questioned concerning her character and heart. She didn't want to be associated with people that weren't so good. She didn't want to fail and be stuck in the same place for years and years on end. She didn't want to die alone and miserable.

Because she knew that deep down, she was going to disappoint everyone. She knew that the things she hid so well, the lies she told so skilfully were going to be revealed and it was only a matter of time before she shattered everyone's expectations. It was only a matter of time before she broke her parents' heart.