I've been wanting to tell you this in person but I just can't seem to get it out, and because I want to be honest and communication is good or whatever. but ever since we started dating I've been afraid you'd leave me or get bored of me, when I actually say or type it, it sounds stupid but it's true. and honestly I don't like saying what I'm thinking because to me it just sounds like I'm asking for attention or trying to make you feel bad. you're the best thing that has ever happened to me, I really don't want to lose you. tho throughout us dating I've had those thoughts of "maybe I shouldnt send a million posts or text you 24/7" because it's probably annoying. I try to move past those thoughts but I can't help it, I try and say to myself that I shouldn't think this way because you are the one that confessed to me, you try to give me your attention the best you can, and I know that. but still, my brain is dumb.
last night I couldn't stop crying because of abandonment issues or something idk, I hadn't really seen you all day and I knew it was stupid to cry about it, but I did anyway. I don't really want to tell you these things because, again, I don't want to burden you because I know you have friends you want to hangout with but I just have trouble with my own thoughts. and this is probably just the anxiety talking, maybe I do need a therapist idk. I used to be able to talk to Andrew about these things but he's going through his own shit and probably doesn't care. crying about not hanging out with you all day is dumb, but also not because I'm so in love with you it hurts. I want to send you this but idk if I can because it's too much, I don't want you to change for me and I know you don't want to have to change yourself for me. But sometimes it just feels like I want to be with you more than you want to be with me. I don't mean that as an insult, this is why I don't want to tell you these things, because I can't conjure my words correctly without it sounding like a stab to the heart. I know you love me but it just hurts sometimes when I see that I message you like 5 times in a row and you respond once. stupid stuff like that.
I also understand that you have other people messaging you and sometimes you might not want to respond right away, which is okay. Maybe I just want to know you at least read it. With all of my other situation ships or relationships i was always the one making the most effort. or at least that's how it felt, after a while of that sort of thing happening it just gets tiring always making the first move. it always felt like a one sided thing. but then as soon as I'm hanging out with them everything seemed okay, but they still left. I'm so afraid of that happening. and trying to reassure someone all the time is frustrating and annoying, I know. that's mostly why I just want to hangout in your room while you game or do whatever you do, so that I'm not in your way of doing things you want to do, but I can also reassure myself that everything is okay by being in your presence.
I'm not sending you this because I want you to focus all of your attention on me, no, because that would be selfish of me. but I do want you to know how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking so I can be honest with you. and maybe if you do read this that'll help in itself, because then I'll know that you know what I'm thinking all the time. you never leave my mind. I know I'm probably not the most fun to be around because of how sensitive or annoying I can be, but I know that I'm aware of how I act. so maybe by knowing that, i can improve myself. hopefully.
9/3/23
I hate feeling like this, feeling like I'm the only one that remembers when we're gonna hangout, like I'm the only one that cares. You're probably asleep right now, I know. also I know that I kept u until 2am. that's a reasonable excuse I guess. you were supposed to be at my house around 1pm. it's 3 now, you'll probably still go out to eat with your friends and I'll be left alone. I hate feeling
alone. I was used to it when I was single, because I didn't used to hangout with people often. but now it sucks. because I can't get you out of my head, ever. I miss when we would spend every day and night together, you would say "I know we saw eachother today, would it be weird if I said I wanted to see you again" I miss when it felt that you were crazy about me when we were apart. i miss when you would text me or send me things all the time. this is me being selfish again, but I want you all to myself. I miss when we would do nothing at parks together, when we would star gaze or just lay in the swing and listen to music. But now that we're comfortable I guess you don't want to do that anymore, I understand, you want to nap or hangout with friends. it just hurts I guess. I probably won't even get to see you today unless I initiate the "contact". for once I'd like you to call or text me first, and ask if we're gonna hangout. I feel like if I don't text u or call you to wake you up, we just won't hangout. and for some reason I feel like you wouldn't be as bothered as I would be. this all sounds harsh, but I'm just sad and I miss you.
I want you to call me non-stop, I want you to text me, annoy me. I want you to visit my house as a surprise.
4:30pm, you finally respond on snap. you're already at Applebee's. no sorry, no "I know we had plans but I slept ". nah. it's like you don't even care. I cleaned for you, I was ready to hangout today. we were gonna watch a movie. you didn't even say fucking sorry. I wish I didn't care as much so that it wouldn't hurt. I don't want to have to beg for you to remember and say what's up. after dinner youll probably even be too full to see me afterwards, we probably won't even see each other tonight if I don't remind you.
I'm just upset that you didn't apologize for not being able to hangout when you said you were going to. I still love you, but I wish you would work on yourself so I don't have to cry for hours
