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Crush pt2

Oh no.

It's getting worse.

I have feelings for someone I can never have, someone who probably loves someone else. He has got my head wired to a certain tune on repeat which I can't let go. A single tune constantly playing in my head no matter what I do. This tune seems to hurt me more as the time goes by, the notes getting longer and the melody getting more sadder. This tune just makes me regret the times I never spoke to him in a manner normal people do, or take his words more seriously and not joke around. 

I feel horrible when I see them knowing what is running through my mind, if it were to somehow reach them, the weight of these feelings will burden him to a point they won't make eye contact with me. People say I am in love with is the idea of them, an idealized version of them. I don't know if it is true.

The idea in my head is just....them.

 There is no perfect nor ideal version of them in my head, it is just purely the person I am in love with. It is just them and their imperfections. Those imperfections are perfections in my eye, it is not something that everyone can see. I don't care how you fell, I love how you chose to get back up despite the set back.

I'm scared darling. 

I'm scared my love for you will turn so immense that I won't be able to let you go. I'm scared that soon, I will stop convincing myself that you just a silly crush who will fade as time. No baby, I'm scared I've fallen so hard I might not get up ever again. I never thought it would get his far, so far that I try to distract myself in order to deal with the emotions you send me home with. I'm scared that my feelings are too real for my life to go on normally.

Do you have someone else in your life? I'm sure you do.

I love you too much. Too much for any of us to handle. I wish I could label it as silly crush but no, you make me feel emotions much more intense than the one's I've had before. And that is just when you call my name or talk to me. I love my name when you say it. It feels right, they way it rolls off your tongue in a manner I am still not able to comprehend. It's hopeless, my love for you and the possibility of us being together. My fantasies of holding your hand or laughing at your silly jokes while looking into your eyes will just remain a fantasy.

I fell in love with a person who barely knows I exist.

A person who probably knows nothing about me but my name, a person who doesn't even see me as a friend. Do you know they way my heart beats when you are around? The way I suddenly start feeling hot when you say something to me? The little butterflies when we accidently touch each other? The way I slightly stutter and start blanking out every time I talk to you? I am so confident but you make me feel so nervous, like I need to say something worth while or else you won't converse with me.

I hope that is not the case darling.

I wish we could talk more and reach a point where we can offend each other without suddenly cutting the other one off. I wish I was more than just an acquaintance in your eyes, more than just the girl who you know the name of. I wanna be yours, the only girl you have eyes on, your best friend. I wanna be someone you can be yourself with and share anything with. Can we really be something more in the future, perhaps something even better than lovers? Or am I just a fool who can't seem to see the line?

I guess I will only keep wishing as long as the subject of my love is you.

I've never really been so deep in love, at least not for so long that I write about that person... Your childish antics, your attention to small details and the way you smile despite the situation being the worst for you. I want us love. I want us together, laughing at the pranks you played on someone or stabbing a pillow with a compass.

I'm in love with someone I can't have.