August 5th, 2023 the day before the Last Performance of the August D Tour
Jin told me that the last concert would be the hardest, that it'd hurt me more than I could ever be prepared for.
I laughed into the speaker of the phone.
"I'm serious, you do the last song and walk off that stage and your stomach just sinks and it doesn't come back up for weeks. All you can think is "Wow I won't be up there again in years.'' His voice was drenched with humor, but behind it hid something similar to frustration.
I knew how it'd hurt. I've done hundreds of 'last concerts' in my life, and the one thing I knew was that this one couldn't hurt me anymore than the rest.
Eventually I'd end the call with the man who I'd formerly shared my entire life with, but now have not seen in over a month. The hardest part of BTS's disbandment wasn't the fans reaction, nor was it the sudden halt on our previous never ending amount of song production. It was the peaceful living room after I hang up my keys, and the lack of headphones in my ears when I decide I need to get sleep. Loneliness was never previously an affliction that caused me much discomfort, but these days I've found it haunting me.
This last concert I'd perform alone, I'd thank everyone alone, and I'd drive home alone. I'd go to sleep that night alone and in the morning I'd be Min Yoongi again, not August D or Suga.
August 6th, 2023 the Last Performance of the August D tour
The energy in the arena was palpable, and I fed off of it, pouring my heart and soul into every note. The stage lights flicked, casting shadows onto the closest audience's faces, some illuminated by the glow of their phones. You could feel it in the air—joy, nostalgia, sadness.
I could feel that all too familiar lump forming in my throat. This was it—the last note, the last chord of my last performance. I step to the edge of the stage, looking out at the sea of faces that have supported me throughout the years. The love was overwhelming, you could almost be suffocated by it.
The panic started in my gut, making a home in my throat. I tried to squeeze my hand, to will away the dread, and sadness that took the form of pools in my eyes. Focus. Focus on the pain of fingernails digging into my palms, or the front of my teeth biting down hard at the edge of my tongue. Breathe.
"Look out into the crowd and pick a face, and just focus on that person. That's what I do when I get overwhelmed on stage." Hobi had once told me. It felt like ages ago.
All I saw was red.
In the sea of faces only hers stood out. My eyes were drawn to her— her alone among the huge crowd. She just stands, a girl with bright red hair. While everyone around her is screaming mantras of my name or recording on their phones she simply stood, reading a book "The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes Novel by Suzanne Collins"
.
I'm momentarily taken aback by the unexpected sight, a smile forming on my face. The contrast between the vibrant chaos of the concert and her quiet absorption in her book is fascinating. Her red hair catches off the stage lights, creating a halo around her, making her stand out even more.
And the show must go on.
After the show
There she was again, standing near the edge of the stage, her eyes scanning the stage as she stood next to another girl. She no longer was reading her book, having it carefully tucked away in her bag. The girl next to her crowded up as close to the stage as she could, hoping to get an interaction from me no doubt.
So I made my way towards her, the crowd roaring as I got closer to the masses. The red haired girl's eyes widened as I approached, her arm grabbing onto her friends. She cracked a smile revealing braces and a beautiful smile.
"Hey," I greeted, the thumping bass from the speakers still echoing below my feet.
"Hi," she replied, her voice barely audible over the lingering cheers of the crowd.
"You enjoyed the show?" I asked, looking only at her.
Thousands of fans cheered in agreement but I only looked towards her, gauging her reaction.
She smiled slightly and nodded her head. 'Amazing' she mouthed.
A grin tugged at the corners of my lips. "Wanna see something even more amazing?"
the end (oppen to interpertaion, maybe he kiss her maybe he hurt her who knows guys)
