if only

chapter 4

I got in my car after class, turned on some music as loud as I could handle it, and freaked out.

I was not currently in the position to get my heart broken. My life already felt completely unmanageable most days. How the fuck could I handle a fucked up relationship with the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen?

In the midst of my chaotic thoughts and Phoebe Bridgers' wailing, my phone buzzed in my lap. I let go of my death grip on the wheel and pulled my phone from the cup holder. She'd laid beneath me in bed that afternoon and punched her name into my phone. I shivered at the memory of sucking on her neck while she did it.

billie <3

hey pretty
how was class??

hey yourself
it was ok
mags hit me with a crochet hook but

what??? why haha

idk dude she's wacky
how are you?

i'm good
laying on the floor with shark
when are you coming over??

fuck
i want to

but...?
i'm still not wearing underwear

billie...

yes??

i have homework
an assignment that's due tomorrow

ok fine i'll come to you

are you serious??
like i could get anything done with
YOU in my apartment

why not? i'll be your muse...
i'll keep my hands off until you say so

billie i can't
i have to write, i'll never do it if you're there

ok ok
how long will it take you??

all night probably
it'll be late

ok
i'll see you late then

. . . . .

After I texted her my address with much hesitation, she showed up late. Two in the morning late, to be exact.

I buzzed her in, and hastily tidied my shoes at the door. She was up the dark stairway in no time, knocking at the door and sticking her face up to the peephole. I laughed at her fishbowl image through the glass, then unlocked and opened the door for her.

"Hi," she smiled, closed-mouthed, dimples showing. She wore a soft green flannel over an oversized white tee, heavy black sweatpants beneath it, a backwards hat covering her red roots.

"You look cozy," I muttered, reaching for her. She fell easily into me, and I shut the door behind her. "Glad you're here."

"Me too," she murmured in my ear as we hugged. "This is weird but... I actually missed you."

Butterflies erupted in the pit of my stomach; I'd missed her, too. More than I'd care to admit.

"Me too," I said simply. "Come on, let's get out of the doorway."

I led her into my tiny apartment, past the nondescript kitchen with nothing in it, into the cozy little living room I spent almost none of my time in.

"It's cuuuute," she cooed, waving her hand at the squashy couch and colorful rug.

"Yeah, I guess," I shrugged. "My roommate mostly hangs out in here. She brings lots of people over and I don't really..."

"Like people?" She smirked.